5000

IF DR. SEUSS WERE TECHNICAL
---------------------------
Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:
    
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
    
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
    
You can't say this?
What a shame sir!
We'll find you
Another game sir.
    
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
    
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
    
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

One bright day in the middle of night two dead boys rose to fight.
Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot one another.
A deaf policeman heard the noise, and saved the lives of the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea;
they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
        -- _A Bit of Fry and Laurie_

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.
Now I see that I should have been more specific.
        -- Jane Wagner, _The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe_
           [Performed by Lily Tomlin]

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in
many kinds of motivation, among other functions.  The hypothalamus controls the
"Four F's":  1. fighting;  2. fleeing;  3.feeding; and  4. mating.
        -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

A three line PERL script that implements RSA public key encryption
TRY: echo squeamish ossifrage | rsa -e 3 7537d365 | rsa -d 4e243e33 7537d365
#!/usr/local/bin/perl -s-- -export-a-crypto-system-sig -RSA-in-3-lines-PERL
($k,$n)=@ARGV;$m=unpack(H.$w,$m."\0"x$w),$_=`echo "16do$w 2+4Oi0$d*-^1[d2%
Sa2/d0<X+d*La1=z\U$n%0]SX$k"[$m*]\EszlXx++p|dc`,s/^.|\W//g,print pack('H*'
,$_)while read(STDIN,$m,($w=2*$d-1+length($n||die"$0 [-d] k n\n")&~1)/2)

Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same.  -- Oscar Wilde

What is a committee?  A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do
the unnecessary.  -- Richard Harkness, _The New York Times_, 1960

Teach a man to fish, he'll eat fish the rest of his life.
Teach a fish to learn, and soon the fish will all be running around in schools!

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.  Attack ships on fire off the
shoulder of Orion. I've watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser
Gate.  All these moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.
        -- Roy Baty, in "Blade Runner"

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio
stations in Chicago...we're one of them."

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles
closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there
are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as
progress.  -- Ransom K. Ferm

Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the
correct screw.

It is possible for your mind to be so open that your brain falls out.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"  
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" 
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" 
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years
of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies
in the history of the world.  -- Dave Barry

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I
hate plants.  -- A. Whitney Brown

A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only
exist until a majority of voters discover that they can vote themselves
largess out of the public treasury.
        -- Alexander Tyler, eighteenth-century Scottish historian

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging
their prejudices.  -- William James

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling
down the highway.  -- Andrew Tannenbaum

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
in it---and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
stove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again---and that is
well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
        -- Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens, American Writer, 1835-1910)

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are
1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on
the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
        -- From an article on the growth of federal regulations
           in the Oct. 24th issue of National Review

A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of
obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had
been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000
responses about three days after the ad came out.
_
All from the same person.

When the tide of life turns against you
And the current upsets your boat
Don't waste tears on what might have been
Just lie on your back and float

Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line, 
off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net.

There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to
use as his telephone.  That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to
use my telephone.  -- Stroustrup

I am Homer of Borg! Prepare to be... Ooooooo! Donuts!

Courteous Postal Workers:
A. Always have stamps on hand.
B. Are kind, courteous, and patient with customers.
C. Save the last bullet for themselves.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

There's so much comedy on television.  Does that cause comedy in the streets?
        -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

Life in a vacuum sucks.

What method does Kurt Cobain use to collect his thoughts?  A spatula.

The number you have dialed is imaginary.  Please divide by 0 and try again.

I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's
life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if
there are men on base.  -- Dave Barry

I am sick unto death of obscure english towns that exist seemingly for the sole
accommodation of these so-called limerick writers---and even sicker of their
residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time
dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
        -- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:  No matter how great your triumphs or how
tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

668: The Neighbor of the Beast

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
        -- Emo Phillips

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when
you make it again.  -- F. P. Jones

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the
experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to
do so.  -- Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_

No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's
not the same man.  -- Heraclitas

C code. C code run. Run, code, run!

But as he knew no bad language, he had called him all the names of common
objects that he could think of, and had screamed: "You lamp!  You towel!  You
plate!" and so on.  -- Sigmund Freud

These are my new shoes.  They're good shoes.  They won't make you rich like me,
they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome
like me.  They'll only make you have shoes like me.  That's it.
        -- Charles Barkley

"Life without you would be like a broken pencil."
"How's that?"
"Completely pointless."
        -- Blackadder, Series II

On a tombstone:  "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you
understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money.  What's
important is that you continue to do so.
        -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me --
The Carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.                                                               
            -Emily Dickinson

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in
the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the
God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"  -- Quentin Crisp

Confucius say too much.  -- Recent Chinese proverb

Boundary, n.  In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, 
separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. 
        -- Ambrose Bierce, _The Devil's Dictionary_

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of
being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being
sick and tired.  I'm certainly not!  But I'm sick and tired of being told that
I am!  -- Monty Python

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless in has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce.  -- J. Edgar Hoover

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep 'till noon.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
        -- George Carlin

Join the Army!
Travel to exotic, distant lands.  Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them.

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution 
inevitable.  -- John F. Kennedy

Life may have no meaning.
Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
        -- Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
        -- Ashleigh Brilliant

Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.

  And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
  They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of
our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood
revealed."
  And Jesus replied, "What?"

In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if
they expected to graduate in the top half of their class.  Ninety-seven percent
responded that they did.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham 
Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.                 
        -- David Letterman

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that
you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".  Disraeli replied,
"That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your
mistress."

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone
calls taper off.  -- Johnny Carson

Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back.  Even if it does look like he
hasn't eaten in a while.
        -- Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball
           opponent in the Olympics

I think that the team that wins game five will win the series.
Unless we lose game five.  -- Charles Barkley

My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I
realized that I had no character.
        -- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself
           "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"

G M:    So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
S:      Yes, thirteen.
G M:    Thirteen!  Good lord, isn't that a burden?
S:      Well, I love my husband.
G M:    Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
        -- Groucho Marx, on _You Bet Your Life_

...and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me
would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him
yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his
heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes!
        -- James Joyce, _Ulysses_

A slipping sear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect
it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
        -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine,
           the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

An Animated Cartoon Theology:
1. People are animals.
2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and
   plucked for music.
5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own
   cunning.
6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own
   momentum.
7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.
        -- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel"

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself.  -- Mark Twain

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't
        realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

On one occasion a student burst into his office.  "Professor Stigler, I don't
believe I deserve this F you've given me."  To which Stigler replied, "I agree,
but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to
award."

The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of
legs.  -- E. Grebenik

I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has
income and she is pattable.  -- Ogden Nash

When I was in high school, my friends would lay anything that moved.
I choose not to limit myself.

I prefer my lovers to be female, human, and breathing, but I'll take any two
out of three in a pinch.

Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."

Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
        -- Old Farmer's Almanac

On a sidewalk near Portland State University someone wrote `Trust Jesus', and
someone else wrote `But Cut the Cards'.

Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea):  For best results:
Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron.
For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack.

G:      "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB:     "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and
         scatter oneself over a wide area."
        -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.                
        -- Plutarch

From alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die:
Another similarity is that Rush Limbaugh and Barney are both purple, or would
be if someone had the good sense to wrap some piano wire around Rush's neck..

It's hard to make a program foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Nuke the unborn gay whales for Jesus!

Hi!  I'm a shareware signature!  Send $5 if you use me, send $10 for manual!

Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"  Then a voice answers
"Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up."
        -- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
        -- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]

Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered.  -- Woody Allen

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
        -- Salvador Dali

Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the
child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.  -- Sigmund Freud

Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may be violent and original in
your work.  -- Clive Barker, "Jihad"

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when
you kill them.  -- William Clayton

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've
always worked for me.  -- Hunter S. Thompson

It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be
thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge.
        -- Voltaire

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.  -- Mark Twain

Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman's toes to
her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between,
given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace.
        -- From "A Woman's Worth" by Marianne Williamson

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down
and meet them with baseball bats.  -- Woody Allen, on the KKK

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high
powered rifle and scope.  -- P.J. O'Rourke

Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of.  It's nothing to be particularly
proud of, either.
        -- From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in _Life In Hell_
           by Matt Groening

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an
important lesson to be learned.  Do not have sex with the authorities.
        -- From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in _Life In Hell_
           by Matt Groening

No one is more carnal than a recent virgin.  -- John Steinbeck

"Time's fun when you're having flies."  -- Kermit the Frog

Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to not change it.

Of all the people I know, you're one of them.

/nev/dull

Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots
   say to his students?
A: Watch closely.  I'm only going to do this once.

Things should be as simple as possible, but not simpler.  -- Albert Einstein

Condense soup, not books!

I used to have a photgraphic memory, but it was never developed...

Hey, bartender, a thousand pints of light!  --  Second City Players

Nancy Reagan meets Ms. Manners:  Just say "No, thank you."

If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs,
consider an exciting career as a guillotine operator!

Save Soviet Jewry---Win Valuable Prizes!

Women libbers are ok.  I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.

Draft beer, not people.

When aiming for the common denominator,
be prepared for the occasional division by zero.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Klein bottle for rent---inquire within.

Did you hear about the dislexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night
wondering if there really is a Dog?

When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
        -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

There are two major products to come out of Berekley:  LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

He looked at me at though I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two.  One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the
   bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Character density:  The number of very weird people in the office.

Half moon tonight.  At least it's better than no moon at all.

Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.

The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.

There's nothing I like less than bad arguments for a view that I hold dear.
        -- Daniel Dennett

...an animal loses not only its life but also its third dimension.
        -- Roger M. Knutson, in "Flattened Fauna: A Field Guide to Common
           Animals of Roads, Streets,and Highways"

Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!  He shoots.  HE SCOOORES!

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between
the right man and the right woman...  -- Woody Allen

Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

Everybody should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink.

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

Detroit:  Where the weak are killed and eaten.

We must hang together, gentlemen...else, we shall most assuredly hang
separately.  -- Benjamin Franklin, 1776

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.  It should be thrown with great
force.  -- Dorothy Parker

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it,
and I just hate it.  -- Clarence Darrow

To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.

Everybody wants to see justice done, to somebody else.  -- Bruce Cockburn

Trees don't fall in the forest when no one's around to hear them.  Sometimes
they just happen to be on the ground when you see them again.

Minds, like parachutes, only function when they are open.

Two behaviorists meet in the morning and one says to the other,
"You're fine.  How am I?"

To err is human, to moo bovine.

Read my Lisp...no new syntax.  (nil)

One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero,
they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
        -- Robert Firth

God is real, unless declared as an integer.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal.

Camouflage condoms:  So they won't see you coming.

The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse.

You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart
threw a sword at you!  -- Monty Python's Holy Grail

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.  -- Joe Walsh

What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.

Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:  Negative expectations yield negative
results.  Positive expectations yield negative results.

Grabel's Law:  2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2.

The crimes we are about to depict have been specially committed for this
program.

The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Death:  To stop sinning suddenly.

Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.

No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.

Whatever happens to you, it will have previously happened to everyone you know,
only more so.

Happiness:  The agreeable sensation of contemplating the misery of others.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.  -- R. Geis

The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!

Hindsight is an exact science.

An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the
grand fallacy.

That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all.

One planet is all you get.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so you better
get used to it.

Be different:  Conform.

A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.

If the odds are a million to one against something occuring, chances are 50-50
it will.

Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.

Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

Acid:  Better living through chemistry.

There's no future in time travel.

Hail to the sun god, he sure is a fun god, Ra, Ra, Ra!

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing
about.

He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.

Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
        -- Eric Hoffer

Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect to be paid back.

Don't feed the bats tonight.

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to
teach them good manners.

Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
government at all.

Paul's law:  You can't fall off the floor.

Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows
what it is.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.

Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.

Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
others.

Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so!  -- Ford Prefect

New York...when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
        -- David Letterman

In the end, everybody must understand for themselves.  -- Martin-Lof

Listen to your surroundings and yourself, instead of Jimmy Swaggert.

Inspected by:  #15.

Now let's all repeat the non-conformist oath.

Omit needless words.  -- Strunk and White

This message has been brought to you by the number 5 and the letter F.

This sentence is false with probability 0.5.

It was as small as the hope in a dead man's eyes.

An armed society is a polite society.

"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means
just what I choose it to mean---neither more nor less."

I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.  -- Jessica Rabbit

Computer:  "How do you feel?"  Spock:  "I don't understand the question."

Weird theory #47:  Islamic women can do kinky things with their ankles.
That's why the Koran says they aren't supposed to reveal them in public.

The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to choose from.

Z.I.S.es:  Zero Information Statements.

While the builders of the cages sleep with bullets, bars and stones,
they do not see your road to freedom that you build with flesh and bone.

/earth:  file system full.

The race is not always to the swift, but it's a pretty safe bet.

MS-DOS:  Just say no!

Unix:  When you can't afford the very best.

Slimey?  Mud hole?  My HOME this is!  -- Yoda

Have you ever wondered if taxation without representation was cheaper?

I only changed one line and it was a comment...

On two occasions I have been asked, "Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the
machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?"

If you care about a dream enough, make it into a reality.

Eunichs:  The operating system for real men.

To be or not to be; that requires one TTL gate at a minimum, but you could do
it with three NAND gates, or just hook the output to Vcc.

Sin harder!  Ragnarok is coming!

Ask a fish head anything you want to.  It won't answer you; they can't talk.

Misfortune, n.  The kind of fortune that never misses.

Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.

The worst thing about hell is that you THINK you're having a really good time.

There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they
don't care who gets the credit.

No matter where you go, there you are.  -- Buckaroo Banzai

When I was young, all I wanted was to be ruler of the universe.  Now that isn't
enough.  -- Alex P. Keaton

Fools!  Idiots!  Don't they realize that they are dealing with forces beyond
comprehension!  -- Doctor Science

Reading computer manuals without the hardware is a frustrating as reading sex
manuals without the software.  -- Arthur C. Clarke

If it ain't fixed, don't broke it!

You may ask yourself, how did I get here?  This is not my beautiful house!
This is not my beautiful wife!  -- Talking Heads

Did you ever feel that you were a typewriter, while everyone else in the world
was a wordprocessor?

Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual.

When you asked me to live in sin with you, I didn't know you meant sloth.

Apathetic Surf Club:  We don't surf, and we don't care.

Isn't fun like the best thing to have ever?  -- Arthur

It's not a matter of life or death, but what is?  What is?

We had to get it passed before the columnists attacked!

This is MY universe and I'm SICK of people BARGING IN!

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Mr. Spock!  This disk is damaged!  Do you want to initialize it?

If God had meant for penguins to fly, he would have given them wings.

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If we're not listening, we'd have to be pretty blind.  -- J-L Gassee

Any errors in spelling, tact or fact are transmission errors.

"Where are we going?"  "Nowhere."  "So what's the rush?"  -- The Lost Boys

I support the Marcell Marceau Foundation,
because a mime is a terrible thing to waste.

If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate.

Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity.

Useless advice #986:  Never sit on a tack.

What did the Caspian sea?  -- Saki

I don't work for no 'Toon!

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

OS/2:  Just say no!

An Apple-a-day takes my credit card away.

Chief weapons of UNIX:  Fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency.

We've got the best government money can buy.

Bove's Theorem:  The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal
increases as the deadline approaches.

Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head
like this before.

Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.

"Are you ABNORMAL?  Then you are probably better than most people!
 Are alien space monsters bringing a STARTLING NEW WORLD?"
        -- The Book of the SubGenius

A thought for the day: In ``A Clarification of Questions,'' Iran's Ayatollah
Ruhollah Khomeini wrote that ``if a fly gets into the throat of one who is
fasting, it is not necessary to pull it out.''

Being in a minority, even a minority of one, does not make one insane.
        -- Winston Smith in Orwell's "1984"

A day without sunshine is like night.

There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane".  If you
buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back
and demand a refund?

College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink.

A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

This is a crude version of a more advanced utility that has never been written.
        -- X-windows xwud(1) man-page

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true.
 I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk."
        -- Steven King, 3/8/90

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree
that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. -- Jay Leno

IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.

Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
"Ever since they threatened to fire me," Frank replied.

--------- if you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor ----------

The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog vendor and says,
"Make me one with everything."

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a
nail.  -- Abraham Maslow

He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.

Cole's Law:  Thinly sliced cabbage.

<Name> - Alive, occupying space, and exerting gravitational force.

Photons have mass?  I didn't know they were catholic!

Make everything as simple as possible, but not more so.

It is truly written that a man has five times as many fingers as ears,
but only twice as many ears as noses.

Goodbye.  I am leaving because I am bored.  -- George Saunders' dying words

Walt Disney is not dead.  He's in suspended animation.

"Do you accept Christ as your personal saviour?"
"Well, I've already got AT&T as my long distance carrier."

Flame all you want.  We'll post more.

You can't win.  You can't break even.  You can't even quit the game.

Jesus saves sinners...and redeems them for valuable cash prizes!

If you had everything, where would you keep it?

Someone put live piranha in our swimming pool. If we don't swim there
anymore, the piranha will starve.

The use of 'goto' statements is discouraged, especially with the label HELL:

What's the sound a name makes when it's dropped?

My friends...what are hot dogs? Chopped dog? No, they're chopped eyeballs, 
and what's better on eyeballs than A-1?

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
        -- English Professor, Ohio University

A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

God is love; Satan is 30 and up one set.

What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

I haven't lost my mind;  I'm sure it's backed up on tape somewhere!

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.  -- Shakespeare

Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?

Never hit a man with glasses.  Hit him with a baseball bat.

Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.

If Milli Vanilli falls down in the woods, does someone else make a sound?

There's more than one way to skin a cat.  Way #15: Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.

All persons, living or dead, are purely coincidental, and should not be
construed.  -- Kurt Vonnegut

There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?

If you hear an onion ring, answer it.

Better to Trade Knowledge than Something of Value.

Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile which flips over,
trapping you underneath. At night, the ice-weasels come.  --  Nietchze

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I
generalize, I don't care.  -- Dave Barry

Chu P'ing-man spent a thousand in gold and three years learning dragon killing
from Hunchback Yi only to learn there was no place for him to practice his art.

I like my penis, but I do not think it requires boldface, capitalization,
italics, or other forms of typographical emphasis.
        -- Eugene Bild, Chicago Reader

.Sig!  .Sig a .Sog!  .Sig it loud!  .Sig it .Strog!
        -- Karen Carpenter with a head cold

Women:  Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em...

Poetry and Power Tools:  "The sun creeps up / THE DAY AWAKES / ..."

Unlike the cleaning lady, I have to do Windows.

Gulf War Lite: High in accomplishments, with 2/3 fewer casualities than our
regular war!

[Warning on knife]:  Caution.  Blade is sharp.  Keep out of children.

I wrote a program in Lisp once...it wrote back to me.

Living right doesn't really make you live longer, it just SEEMS like longer.

Q: Where does virgin wool come from?  A: Ugly sheep.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.  -- Steven Wright

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"  -- Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.  -- Steven Wright

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
        -- Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
        -- Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.  -- Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
        -- Steven Wright

"Did you sleep well?"  "No, I made a couple of mistakes."  -- Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute.  Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby.  Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
the afternoon's appointments.  -- Steven Wright

My socks DO match.  They're the same thickness.  -- Steven Wright

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour.  -- Steven Wright

I have two very rare photographs.
One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
        -- Steven Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
        -- Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
        -- Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was in the shape
of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
        -- Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.  -- Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
        -- Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
        -- Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus?  -- Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
        -- Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"  -- Steven Wright

You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?  -- Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
        -- Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
        -- Steven Wright

I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don't know what to feed it.
        -- Steven Wright

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate.  Then I took it to a potluck.  I
stood in line for some cake.  They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate
cake?"  I said, "yes".  -- Steven Wright

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday.  She says if I'm good, she'll
give me the other one next year.  -- Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."  -- Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.  -- Steven Wright

I had amnesia once or twice.  -- Steven Wright

I bought a million lottery tickets.  I won a dollar.  -- Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax.  It's very simple.  You just fax a dollar bill to
everybody on the list.  -- Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called someone.  They
went "Aaaaahhhh..."  -- Steven Wright

My friend Sam has one leg.  I went to his house.  I couldn't go up the stairs.
        -- Steven Wright

The sun never sets on the British Empire.  But it rises every morning.  The sky
must get awfully crowded.  -- Steven Wright

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane.  I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
        -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and
then you remember it really is?  I'm like that all the time.
        -- Steven Wright

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
        -- Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet supplies".  So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
        -- Steven Wright

The sky already fell.  Now what?  -- Steven Wright

I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I wear my liver on my pant leg.
        -- Steven Wright

I still have my Christmas Tree.  I looked at it today.  Sure enough, I couldn't
see any forests.  -- Steven Wright

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
        -- Steven Wright

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle.  A little old
lady had to help me across the street.  -- Steven Wright

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're
Shakespeare?  -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're
reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed?  I'm
like that all the time.  -- Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.  It's in the apartment
somewhere.  -- Steven Wright

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...  -- Steven Wright

I had fried octopus last night.  You have to be really quiet when you eat it.
Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
        -- Steven Wright

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road.  It said, "what for?"
        -- Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch.  Now I have time to spare.  -- Steven Wright

I took a course in speed waiting.  Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
        -- Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese.  But I only nibble on it.  I make the holes bigger.
        -- Steven Wright

I moved into an all-electric house.  I forgot and left the porch light on all
day.  When I got home the front door wouldn't open.  -- Steven Wright

I got a garage door opener.  It can't close.  Just open.  -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
I'm like that all the time.  -- Steven Wright

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt.  "What are you
making?"  "A salt lick."  -- Steven Wright

There aren't enough days in the weekend.  -- Steven Wright

My friend Sally is a nudist.  I went to her house.  The closets have no doors.
The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.  -- Steven Wright

Sally plays strip poker.  Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
        -- Steven Wright

The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.  -- Steven Wright

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.  -- Steven Wright

Is "tired old cliche" one?  -- Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
        -- Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
        -- Steven Wright

It only rains straight down.  God doesn't do windows.  -- Steven Wright

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of
three-by-fives.  -- Steven Wright

The sign said "eight items or less".  So I changed my name to Les.
        -- Steven Wright

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road.  I asked it why.  It told me it
was none of my business.  -- Steven Wright

I rented a lottery ticket.  I won a million dollars.  But I had to give it
back.  -- Steven Wright

In school, every period ends with a bell.  Every sentence ends with a period.
Every crime ends with a sentence.  -- Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch.  Now I can give away free watches.  -- Steven Wright

I xeroxed a mirror.  Now I have an extra xerox machine.  -- Steven Wright

I took a course in speed reading.  Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm.  By
the time I got the machine set up, I was done.  -- Steven Wright

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for.  You put them on doughbolts.
They hold dough airplanes together.  For kids, they make erector sets out of
play-dough.  -- Steven Wright

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit
gum.  -- Steven Wright

I went to a garage sale.  "How much for the garage?"  "It's not for sale."
        -- Steven Wright

I went to San Francisco.  I found someone's heart.  -- Steven Wright

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers.  He hates New York.
        -- Steven Wright

A beautiful woman moved in next door.  So I went over and returned a cup of
sugar.  "You didn't borrow this."  "I will."  -- Steven Wright

I had my coathangers spayed.  -- Steven Wright

I washed a sock.  Then I put it in the dryer.  When I took it out, it was gone.
        -- Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather.  It moved to Alaska.  Now Santa
Claus is missing.  -- Steven Wright

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu."  The headwaiter said,
"Don't I know you?"  -- Steven Wright

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.  -- Steven Wright

I took lessons in bicycle riding.  But I could only afford half of them.  Now I
can ride a unicycle.  -- Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses.  I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.  -- Steven Wright

I got food poisoning today.  I don't know when I'll use it.  -- Steven Wright

I put my air conditioner in backwards.  It got cold outside.  The weatherman on
TV was confused.  "It was supposed to be hot today."  -- Steven Wright

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading.  Then I said
to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.  If you are in a spaceship that is
traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything
happen?"  He said, "I don't know."  I said, "I don't want your job."
        -- Steven Wright

I was in the first submarine.  Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
"We're surrounded."  -- Steven Wright

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake.  I didn't notice until I
got it set up.  People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
        -- Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
        -- Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean.  That just kills me.  I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen.  -- Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
        -- Steven Wright

It's a fine night to have an evening.  -- Steven Wright

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.  -- Steven Wright

I can't stop thinking like this.  -- Steven Wright

This isn't all true.  -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top,
and you think there's one more step?  I'm like that all the time.
        -- Steven Wright

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.  -- Steven Wright

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.  -- Steven Wright

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital.  They lay there and
looked at each other.  Their families came and took them away.  Eighty years
later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their
deathbeds, next to each other.  One of them looked at the other and said, "So.
What did you think?"  -- Steven Wright

My grandfather gave me a watch.  It doesn't have any hands or numbers.  He says
it's very accurate.  I asked him what time it was.  You can guess what he told
me.  -- Steven Wright

I spent all my money on a FAX machine.  Now I can only FAX collect.
        -- Steven Wright

What are imitation rhinestones?  -- Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
        -- Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?  -- Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.  Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check.  Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Madagascar.  She said, "Cut it out."  -- Steven Wright

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there.  Hunters would be all confused.  -- Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.  -- Steven Wright

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it.  Every once
in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have
written that."  -- Steven Wright

"So, do you live around here often?"  -- Steven Wright

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.  She
said, "Hello, Information."  I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch."  And they were!  -- Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box.  It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually.  -- Steven Wright

[Referring to a glass of water:]
I mixed this myself.  Two parts H, one part O.  I don't trust anybody!
        -- Steven Wright

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
Earth taken from space.  On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
        -- Steven Wright

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...  -- Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.  -- Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.  -- Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."  -- Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
        -- Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.  -- Steven Wright

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail...  Kitten On Fire.  -- Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".  So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.  -- Steven Wright

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the
shape of an Ouija board.  You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the
table would move across the floor to it.  -- Steven Wright

I went to a general store.  They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
        -- Steven Wright

I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt
dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"  -- Steven Wright

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's.  The clerk said,
"ten-four."  -- Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet supplies".  So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".  -- Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door.  I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours."  He
said, "Yes, but not in a row."  -- Steven Wright

I love to go shopping.  I love to freak out salespeople.  They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?"  Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."  -- Steven Wright

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.  She said, "It's
free with purchase."  I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
        -- Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's.  She was buying clothes and I was putting
Slinkies on the escalator.  -- Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.  Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators.  -- Steven Wright

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping.  -- Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same
room and let them fight it out.  -- Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press?  I don't get it...
        -- Steven Wright

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.  -- Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord.  -- Steven Wright

I saw a close friend of mine the other day...  He said, "Stephen, why haven't
you called me?"  I said, "I can't call everyone I want.  My new phone has no
five on it."  He said, "How long have you had it?"  I said, "I don't know...
my calendar has no sevens on it."  -- Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called someone.  They
went "Aaaaahhhh..."  -- Steven Wright

Today I dialed a wrong number...  The other person said, "Hello?"  and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...  They said, "Uh...  I don't think so...
he's only 2 months old."  I said, "I'll wait."  -- Steven Wright

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish
tank.  I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this
<<<>>><<>><<<<.  I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I
got a lotta calls yesterday."  -- Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.  It's in the apartment
somewhere.  -- Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are
furious!  -- Steven Wright

All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across the hall tried to rob a
department store...with a pricing gun.  She said, "Give me all of the money in
the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."  -- Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.  Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check.  Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Germany.  She said, "Cut it out."  -- Steven Wright

Doing a little work around the house.  I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew.  People come over and I'm
gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."  -- Steven Wright

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never
have to go upstairs.  -- Steven Wright

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera
to see my way around.  I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.
The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.  -- Steven Wright

All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night.  I was teasing
them by watering them with ice cubes.  -- Steven Wright

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front
of the fire for the evening in two minutes.  -- Steven Wright

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to
run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head.  If you wanted to cook,
you had to pull off a sweater real quick.  -- Steven Wright

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road.  I don't know how I got there.
        -- Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was in the shape
of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.  So I had
to buy them again.  -- Steven Wright

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood
kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw
it at them.  -- Steven Wright

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car
keys.  I started the house up.  So, I drove it around for a while.  I was
speeding, and a cop pulled me over.  He asked where I lived.  I said, "right
here, officer".  Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all
the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"  -- Steven Wright

My house is on the median strip of a highway.  You don't really notice, except
I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.  -- Steven Wright

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so
I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]
        -- Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.  I hit the gas,
people behind me stop, and I'm gone.  -- Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm
the only one moving.  -- Steven Wright

I play the harmonica.  The only way I can play is if I get my car going really
fast, and stick it out the window.  I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to
take the old one out.  Now my car goes 500 miles per hour.  The harmonica
sounds *amazing*.  -- Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast.  -- Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
        -- Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.  -- Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere near the
place.  -- Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car.  It says, "I'm home now.  But leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out."  -- Steven Wright

Last year we drove across the country.  We switched on the driving...every half
mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't
remember what it was.  -- Steven Wright

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles".  That's pretty big.  Some people must be
really tired.  -- Steven Wright

A cop stopped me for speeding.  He said, "Why were you going so fast?"  I said,
"See this thing my foot is on?  It's called an accelerator.  When you push down
on it, it sends more gas to the engine.  The whole car just takes right off.
And see this thing?  This steers it."  -- Steven Wright

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know
the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?"  "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be
out that long..."  -- Steven Wright

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.  He said, "Didn't you
see the stop sign?"  I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
        -- Steven Wright

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now when I get
pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it
clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."  -- Steven Wright

The judge asked, "What do you plead?"  I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in
their right mind would park in the passing lane?"  -- Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
        -- Steven Wright

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area
was missing.  -- Steven Wright

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep.  Mom said, "Steven, time to
go to sleep."  I said, "But I don't know how."  She said, "It's real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left."  So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right.  My mother was there, and
she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."  -- Steven Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night.  -- Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?"  I
said, "No, I made a few mistakes."  -- Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.  -- Steven Wright

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.
My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.  -- Steven Wright

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out.  When she's asleep, I go over
there and write misspelled words on them.  -- Steven Wright

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.  She
said, "Hello, Information."  I said, "I can't find my socks."  She said,
"They're behind the couch."  And they were!  -- Steven Wright

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl.  She looked at me and
said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on."  I said, "Yeah, I know,
but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."  -- Steven Wright

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish.  I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck.  The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
        -- Steven Wright

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards.  I erased all of the records.  When I returned them to my friend, he
said, "Hey, these records are all blank."  -- Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali.  He was using a dotted line.  He
caught every other fish.  -- Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an
idiot.  -- Steven Wright

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay.  It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay!  Come here, Stay!"  He went insane.  Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing.  -- Steven Wright

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats on
them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.  -- Steven Wright

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.  Some
people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I'm afraid of widths.  -- Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog.  He's gone now.  -- Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
        -- Steven Wright

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself.  Two parts H, one part O.
I don't trust anybody!  -- Steven Wright

They say we're 98% water.  We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass
of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge...  -- Steven Wright

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
        -- Steven Wright

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice.  It's just that when
I leave a house, I go out through the window.  -- Steven Wright

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five
minutes without moving.  He said it was elevator practice.  -- Steven Wright

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids.  I got a toy subway instead.  You
couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go
by.  -- Steven Wright

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
Earth taken from space.  On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
        -- Steven Wright

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...  -- Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.  -- Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.  -- Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."  -- Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
        -- Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.  -- Steven Wright

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail...Kitten On Fire...  -- Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".  So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.  -- Steven Wright

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the
shape of an Ouija board.  You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the
table would move across the floor to it.  -- Steven Wright

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.  In the back
you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.  -- Steven Wright

I went to a general store.  They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
        -- Steven Wright

I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt
dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"  -- Steven Wright

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's.
The clerk said, "ten-four."
        -- Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet supplies".  So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
        -- Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door.  I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours."  He
said, "Yes, but not in a row."  -- Steven Wright

I love to go shopping.  I love to freak out salespeople.  They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?"  Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."  -- Steven Wright

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.  She said, "It's
free with purchase."  I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
        -- Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's.  She was buying clothes and I was putting
Slinkies on the escalator.  -- Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
        -- Steven Wright

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping.  -- Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
        -- Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press?  I don't get it...
        -- Steven Wright

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.  -- Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord.  -- Steven Wright

I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He said, "Stephen, why haven't you
called me?"  I said, "I can't call everyone I want.  My new phone has no five
on it."  He said, "How long have you had it?"  I said, "I don't know...  my
calendar has no sevens on it."  -- Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called someone.
They went "Aaaaahhhh..."  -- Steven Wright

Today I dialed a wrong number...The other person said, "Hello?" and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...They said, "Uh...I don't think so...he's only
2 months old."  I said, "I'll wait."  -- Steven Wright

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish
tank.  I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this
<<<>>><<>><<<<.  I go down to the pet store---"Gimme another ten guppies, I
got a lotta calls yesterday."  -- Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.  It's in the apartment
somewhere.  -- Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are
furious!  -- Steven Wright

All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across the hall tried to rob a
department store...with a pricing gun...She said, "Give me all of the money in
the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."  -- Steven Wright

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom.  They put
it in EXACTLY the same place it was.  When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I
know you?"  -- Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.  Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check.  Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Germany.  She said, "Cut it out."  -- Steven Wright

Doing a little work around the house.  I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew.  People come over and I'm
gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."  -- Steven Wright

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never
have to go upstairs.  -- Steven Wright

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera
to see my way around.  I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.
The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.  -- Steven Wright

All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night.  I was teasing
them by watering them with ice cubes.  -- Steven Wright

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front
of the fire for the evening in two minutes.  -- Steven Wright

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to
run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head.  If you wanted to cook,
you had to pull off a sweater real quick.  -- Steven Wright

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road.  I don't know how I got there.
        -- Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was in the shape
of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.  So I had
to buy them again.  -- Steven Wright

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood
kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw
it at them.  -- Steven Wright

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car
keys.  I started the house up.  So, I drove it around for a while.  I was
speeding, and a cop pulled me over.  He asked where I lived.  I said, "right
here, officer".  Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all
the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"  -- Steven Wright

My house is on the median strip of a highway.  You don't really notice, except
I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.  -- Steven Wright

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so
I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...(slow glance upward)
        -- Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
        -- Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm
the only one moving.  -- Steven Wright

I play the harmonica.  The only way I can play is if I get my car going really
fast, and stick it out the window.  -- Steven Wright

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out.  Now my car
goes 500 miles per hour.  The harmonica sounds *amazing*.  -- Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast.  -- Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
        -- Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
        -- Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere near the
place.  -- Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car.  It says, "I'm home now.  But leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out."  -- Steven Wright

Last year we drove across the country.  We switched on the driving...every half
mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't
remember what it was.  -- Steven Wright

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles".  That's pretty big.  Some people must be
really tired.  -- Steven Wright

A cop stopped me for speeding.  He said, "Why were you going so fast?"  I said,
"See this thing my foot is on?  It's called an accelerator.  When you push down
on it, it sends more gas to the engine.  The whole car just takes right off.
And see this thing?  This steers it."  -- Steven Wright

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know
the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?"  "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be
out that long..."  -- Steven Wright

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.  He said, "Didn't you
see the stop sign?"  I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
        -- Steven Wright

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now when I get
pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it
clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."  -- Steven Wright

The judge asked, "What do you plead?"  I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in
their right mind would park in the passing lane?"  -- Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
        -- Steven Wright

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area
was missing.  -- Steven Wright

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep.  Mom said, "Steven, time to
go to sleep."  I said, "But I don't know how."  She said, "It's real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left."  So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right.  My mother was there, and
she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."  -- Steven Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night.  -- Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?"  I
said, "No, I made a few mistakes."  -- Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.  -- Steven Wright

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.
My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.  -- Steven Wright

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out.  When she's asleep, I go over
there and write misspelled words on them.  -- Steven Wright

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.  She
said, "Hello, Information."  I said, "I can't find my socks."  She said,
"They're behind the couch."  And they were!  -- Steven Wright

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl.  She looked at me and
said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on."  I said, "Yeah, I know,
but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."  -- Steven Wright

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish.  I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck.  The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
        -- Steven Wright

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards.  I erased all of the records.  When I returned them to my friend, he
said, "Hey, these records are all blank."  -- Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali.  He was using a dotted line.  He
caught every other fish.  -- Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an
idiot.  -- Steven Wright

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay.  It's fun to call him..."Come
here, Stay!  Come here, Stay!"  He went insane.  Now he just ignores me and
keeps typing.  -- Steven Wright

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats on
them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.  -- Steven Wright

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.  Some
people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I'm afraid of widths.  -- Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog.  He's gone now.  -- Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
        -- Steven Wright

(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself.  Two parts H, one part O.
I don't trust anybody!  -- Steven Wright

They say we're 98% water.  We're that close to drowning...(picks up his glass
of water from the stool)...I like to live on the edge...  -- Steven Wright

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
        -- Steven Wright

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice.  It's just that when
I leave a house, I go out through the window.  -- Steven Wright

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five
minutes without moving.  He said it was elevator practice.  -- Steven Wright

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids.  I got a toy subway instead.  You
couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go
by.  -- Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy
train schedules?"  -- Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box.  It was a quicksand box.  I was an
only child...eventually.  -- Steven Wright

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round.  There was a gunshot
nearby.  The horses stampeded.  There I was running down the street on a purple
wooden horse.  -- Steven Wright

When I was eight, I played Little League.  I was on first; I stole third; I
went straight across.  Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance
between two points was a direct line.  I took advantage of that knowledge.
        -- Steven Wright

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up.  I couldn't find tractors
small enough to fit it.  -- Steven Wright

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator.  He didn't get his birthmark until he was
eight years old.  -- Steven Wright

My school colors were clear.  We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
        -- Steven Wright

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins.  Then put
the kid in and run around, looking frantic.  When he gets older, I'd tell him
he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.  -- Steven Wright

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach...it pisses me
off!  I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here?  You
haven't worked a day in your life!"  -- Steven Wright

My friend has a baby.  I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask
him what he meant.  -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're
reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed?  I'm
like that all the time.  -- Steven Wright

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that
you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself?
That's how I feel all the time.  -- Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  I think I've
forgotten this before.  -- Steven Wright

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic.  I mimic my shadow.
        -- Steven Wright

I got a new shadow.  I had to get rid of the other one...it wasn't doing what I
was doing.  -- Steven Wright

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.  -- Steven Wright

Four years ago...no, it was yesterday.  -- Steven Wright

Today I...No, that wasn't me.  -- Steven Wright

Sometimes I...No, I don't.  -- Steven Wright

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at
the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet.  Two little
kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See,
that's how it's done."  -- Steven Wright

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious
because I brought a beach towel.  -- Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary.  I thought it was a poem about everything.
        -- Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus?  -- Steven Wright

Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
        -- Steven Wright

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes.  It all started back in 1912...Well, to
make a long story short...  -- Steven Wright

I'm writing a book.  I've got the page numbers done.  -- Steven Wright

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.  -- Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.  -- Steven Wright

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?  -- Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.  -- Steven Wright

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed.  It wasn't the kind that folds.
        -- Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.  -- Steven Wright

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.  -- Steven Wright

I lost a button hole today.  -- Steven Wright

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
        -- Steven Wright

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.  -- Steven Wright

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
        -- Steven Wright

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.  -- Steven Wright

I took a baby shower.  -- Steven Wright

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.  -- Steven Wright

I was skydiving horizontally.  -- Steven Wright

I washed mud, off of mud.  -- Steven Wright

I'm so hyper...(said with a very dull voice)  -- Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?  -- Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?  -- Steven Wright

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...  -- Steven Wright

"So, do you live around here often?"  -- Steven Wright

Women...can't live with 'em...can't shoot 'em.  -- Steven Wright

You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?  -- Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute.  Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby.  Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
the afternoon's appointments.  -- Steven Wright

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous
blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her.  I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and
then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and
he says I have a problem."  So I asked, "What's the problem?"  She replied, "I
can't tell you.  I don't even know you..."  I said, "Well sometimes it's good
to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus."  So she said, "Well, my
analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my
name is Denise."  I said, "Hello, Denise.  My name is Bucky Goldstein..."
        -- Steven Wright

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me...I pushed "1"
and he just stood there...I said, "Hi, where you going?"  He said, "Phoenix."
So I pushed Phoenix.  A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds
blew in...  we were in downtown Phoenix.  I looked at him and said, "You know,
you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with."  We got into his car and
drove out to his shack in the desert.  Then the phone rang.  He said, "You get
it."  I picked it up and said, "Hello?"...The other side said, "Is this Steven
Wright?"...I said, "Yes..."  The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr.  Jones, the student
loan director from your bank.  It seems you have missed your last 17 payments,
and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we
loaned you.  We would just like to know what happened to the money?"  I said,
"Mr.  Jones, I'll give it to you straight.  I gave all of the money to my
friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it
if you never called me again."  -- Steven Wright

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in
front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.  -- Steven Wright

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they mad!
        -- Steven Wright

The Stones, I love the Stones.  I watch them whenever I can.  Fred, Barney...
        -- Steven Wright

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm
in a submarine that's been hit.  -- Steven Wright

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
        -- Steven Wright

I have two very rare photographs.  One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys
in his car.  The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a
child.  -- Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it on all the
beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.  -- Steven Wright

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading.  So, I got
some flip-up contact lenses.  -- Steven Wright

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo.  He got pretty good.
He could go under a rug.  -- Steven Wright

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify".
I wrote "Doctor"...What's my mother going to do?  -- Steven Wright

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...the study of milkmen.
        -- Steven Wright

He was a multi-millionaire.  Wanna know how he made all of his money?
He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.
        -- Steven Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
        -- Steven Wright

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go.  You'll
just be walking down the street, and...ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
        -- Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown.  When he died, all his friends went to the
funeral in one car.  -- Steven Wright

My girlfriend and I went on a picnic.  I don't know how she did it, but she got
poison ivy on the brain.  When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was
to think about sandpaper.  -- Steven Wright

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend.  It's called, "They'll
Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."
        -- Steven Wright

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour.
I said, "the whole time."  -- Steven Wright

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there.  Hunters would be all confused.  -- Steven Wright

The sun got confused about daylight savings time.  It rose twice.  Everything
had two shadows.  -- Steven Wright

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.  Every once
in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have
written that."  -- Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"  -- Steven Wright

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears.  I
think George is weird, because he has false teeth.  with braces on them.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...you can't hear
him talk.  -- Steven Wright

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet,
what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
        -- Steven Wright

I saw a sign at a gas station.  It said "help wanted".  There was another sign
below it that said "self service".  So I hired myself.  Then I made myself the
boss.  I gave myself a raise.  I paid myself.  Then I quit.
        -- Steven Wright

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite
picture.  -- Steven Wright

I used to be an airline pilot.  I got fired because I kept locking the keys in
the plane.  They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
        -- Steven Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over
what I considered to be an odd number.  -- Steven Wright

I have a map of the United States...actual size.  It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1
mile."  I spent last summer folding it.  I also have a full-size map of the
world.  I hardly ever unroll it.  -- Steven Wright

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped
out a quarter?  -- Steven Wright

I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
        -- Steven Wright

I'm kinda tired.  I was up all night trying to round off infinity.  Then I got
bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
        -- Steven Wright

This is my impression of a bowling ball...(drags the mike along the floor, then
lifts it)...gutter...  -- Steven Wright

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather.  The team scored
a touchdown.  They showed the instant replay.  He thought they scored another
one.  I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was
better.  -- Steven Wright

I owed my friend George $25.  For about three weeks I owed it to him.  The
whole time I had the money on me---he didn't know it.  Walking through New York
City, 2:30 in the morning, we got held up.  He said, "Gimme all your money."  I
said, "Wait a minute."  I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you."  The
the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to
George.  At gunpoint he made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.
        -- Steven Wright

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading.  Then I said
to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.  If you are in a spaceship that is
traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything
happen?"  He said, "I don't know."  I said, "I don't want your job."
        -- Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get
me five.  -- Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
        -- Steven Wright

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake.  I didn't notice until I
got it set up.  People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
        -- Steven Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night.  -- Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses.  I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I got food poisoning today.  I don't know when I'll use it.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I put my air conditioner in backwards.  It got cold outside.  The weatherman on
TV was confused.  "It was supposed to be hot today."
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I was in the first submarine.  Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
"We're surrounded."  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean.  That just kills me.  I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

It's a fine night to have an evening.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I can't stop thinking like this.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

This isn't all true.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top,
and you think there's one more step?  I'm like that all the time.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital.  They lay there and
looked at each other.  Their families came and took them away.  Eighty years
later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their
deathbeds, next to each other.  One of them looked at the other and said, "So.
What did you think?"  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

My grandfather gave me a watch.  It doesn't have any hands or numbers.  He says
it's very accurate.  I asked him what time it was.  You can guess what he told
me.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don't know what to feed it.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate.  Then I took it to a potluck.  I
stood in line for some cake.  They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate
cake?"  I said, "Yes".  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday.  She says if I'm good, she'll
give me the other one next year.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I had amnesia once or twice.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I bought a million lottery tickets.  I won a dollar.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax.  It's very simple.  You just fax a dollar bill to
everybody on the list.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

My friend Sam has one leg.  I went to his house.  I couldn't go up the stairs.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

The sun never sets on the British Empire.  But it rises every morning.  The sky
must get awfully crowded.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane.  I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

That which does not kill us, only makes us stronger.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and
then you remember it really is?  I'm like that all the time.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

The sky already fell.  Now what?  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I wear my liver on my pant leg.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I still have my Christmas Tree.  I looked at it today.  Sure enough, I couldn't
see any forests.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle.  A little old
lady had to help me across the street.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're
Shakespeare?  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I had fried octopus last night.  You have to be really quiet when you eat it.
Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road.  It said, "what for?"
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch.  Now I have time to spare.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I took a course in speed waiting.  Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese.  But I only nibble on it.  I make the holes bigger.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I moved into an all-electric house.  I forgot and left the porch light on all
day.  When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I got a garage door opener.  It can't close.  Just open.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
I'm like that all the time.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt.  "What are you
making?"  "A salt lick."  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

There aren't enough days in the weekend.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

My friend Sally is a nudist.  I went to her house.  The closets have no doors.
The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Sally plays strip poker.  Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Is "tired old cliche" one?  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

It only rains straight down.  God doesn't do windows.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of
three-by-fives.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

The sign said "eight items or less".  So I changed my name to Les.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road.  I asked it why.  It told me it
was none of my business.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I rented a lottery ticket.  I won a million dollars.  But I had to give it
back.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

In school, every period ends with a bell.  Every sentence ends with a period.
Every crime ends with a sentence.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch.  Now I can give away free watches.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I xeroxed a mirror.  Now I have an extra xerox machine.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I took a course in speed reading.  Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm.
By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for.  You put them on doughbolts.
They hold dough airplanes together.  For kids, they make erector sets out of
play-dough.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit
gum.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I went to a garage sale.  "How much for the garage?"  "It's not for sale."
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I went to San Francisco.  I found someone's heart.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers.  He hates New York.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

A beautiful woman moved in next door.  So I went over and returned a cup of
sugar.  "You didn't borrow this."  "I will."  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I had my coathangers spayed.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I washed a sock.  Then I put it in the dryer.  When I took it out, it was gone.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather.  It moved to Alaska.  Now Santa
Claus is missing.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu."  The headwaiter said,
"Don't I know you?"  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I took lessons in bicycle riding.  But I could only afford half of them.  Now I
can ride a unicycle.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I got a calculator and now I can't add without it.  I got a spellchecker and I
can't write without it anymore.  I got a blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on
its own.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time.  Use enough to
get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing.  Einstein
discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company.  All of the trees were just 10
feet high and 1/4 inch thick.  We made paneling.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant.  I said, "I'll be the
one in the leather jacket."  She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake."  Turned
out it was one of those biker-sushi places.  We never met.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Wrote my own communications software in LISP.  Got a phone bill for a thousand
dollars.  My computer keeps calling itself.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant.  I said, "I'll be the
one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex."  Never found her, but when I got
home my place was robbed.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I spent all my money on a FAX machine.  Now I can only FAX collect.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

What are imitation rhinestones?  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

A metaphor is like a simile.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging
plant.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if
you eat less than you can.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food.  You may wonder how it
weighs the food.  It doesn't.  It just eats another hummingbird.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I bought a portable cable tv.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets.
All they found was a pile of dust.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy
Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.  -- Emo Phillips

...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"
        -- Emo Phillips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop
the floor with your face."  I said, "You'll be sorry."  He said, "Oh, yeah?
Why?"  I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
        -- Emo Phillips

The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one
just because they're the devil.  -- Emo Phillips

I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse."
        -- Emo Phillips

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.  -- Emo Phillips

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
        -- Emo Phillips

People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce.
        -- Emo Phillips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
        -- Emo Phillips

I was at a bar nursing a beer.  My nipple was getting quite soggy.
        -- Emo Phillips

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen
feet.  -- Emo Phillips

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand.  I said "Give me a bladder
por favor."  The guy said "Is that to go?"  I said, "Well what else would I
want it for?"  -- Emo Phillips

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn
anthropologists.  -- Emo Phillips

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to
get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them.  -- Emo Phillips

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?"
I said, "I don't know.  You can't see out the other way."  -- Emo Phillips

Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving.  When
brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for
drunk driving in that state was.  His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the
Senate?"

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up
and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using
blanks.  -- Emo Phillips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.  So I said,
"Get off me, you two!"  -- Emo Phillips

I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge,
about to jump off.  so i ran over and said "stop! don't do it!"  "Why shouldn't
I?" he said.  I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"  He said, "Like
what?"  I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"  He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too!  Are you christian or buddhist?"  He said, "Christian."  I
said, "Me too!  Are you catholic or protestant?"  He said, "Protestant."  I
said, "Me too!  Are you episcopalian or baptist?"  He said, "Baptist!"  I said,
"Wow!  Me too!  Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?"
He said, "Baptist church of god!"  I said, "Me too!  Are you original baptist
church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?"  He said, "Reformed
baptist church of god!"  I said, "Me too!  Are you reformed baptist church of
god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of
1915?"  He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!"  I
said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.  -- Emo Phillips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five
dollars for the second glass.  The refill contained the antidote.
        -- Emo Phillips

I'm from Downers Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but
fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.
        -- Emo Phillips

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll notice, I
sent a paper clip with my return.  Given what you've been paying for things
lately, that should more than make up the difference."  -- Emo Phillips

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours
before I realized it had a scratch on it.  -- Emo Phillips

You know what I hate?  Indian givers...no, I take that back.  -- Emo Phillips

DEAR MISS MANNERS -- When someone brings sweet rolls to work for a treat,
  is it proper for people to cut them up and leave halves, quarters or
  eighths on the plate?
GENTLE READER -- Those who bring sweet rolls to work should not be quartered,
  much less eighthed. They are only being nice.

Hello!  I'm a signature virus.  Join in the fun and copy me into yours!

Thought for the day:  What if there were no hypothetical situations?

I've truncated, and I can't round up!

Why can you only have two doors on a chicken coop?
If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

"Personal" ad in local paper:  David G. Contact me soon!  Bring three rings:
Engagement, wedding and teething.  Have news.  Debbie.

Getting tired of children?  Ever heard of youthanasia?

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?  Because they taste funny.

"My mother made me a homosexual!"
"If I send her the yarn, can she make me one too?"

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved children?
He just adored the platter of little feet...

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?

Scientific American, July 1991: The column describes an insect-like robot and
then relates an incident in which a curious visitor, upon seeing the thing for
the first time, asks "is it a bug?"  The reply: "No, it's a feature."

Quantum particles: The dreams that stuff is made of.

"Can you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here," asked Alice.
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the cat.

The other day I put my wrists in front of my eyes.
I had Carpal Tunnel Vision Syndrome.

While travelling near Tampa, Florida I passed the "Jehovah's Witness Assembly
Hall" and was struck by the fact that that must be where they make them.

Twice five syllables / Plus seven can't say much but / That's Haiku for you.

Be on the lookout for a leopard which escaped from the zoo early this morning.
It was spotted near the corner of 12th and Cherry at around 8am, and in all
likelihood still is.

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
Because OCT(31) = DEC(25)

355/113: Not the famous irrational number Pi, but an incredible simulation!

PALINDROME spelled backwards is EMORDNILAP.

I get up each morning, gather my wits.
Pick up the paper, read the obits.
If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
        -- Pete Seeger

Introducing "lite", the new way to spell "light", with 20% fewer letters!

I own my own body, but I share.

A "Frisbeterian" believes that when you die, your soul goes up on the
roof, and you can't get it back down.

"I better be going.  I have to get up sometime tomorrow." -- Jim from "Taxi"

Plan: To make a machine that will be proud of us. -- Thinking Machine's motto.

Anarchy: It's not a law, it's just a good idea.

Her eyes were cold and harsh, which made them tough to chew.

You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

Photons have mass?  I didn't even know they were Catholic.

Q: How do you spell "onomatopoeia"?  A: The way it sounds.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

A witty saying proves nothing.  --  Voltaire

Eschew obfuscation.

She's a nice girl and all, but she's just a few sandwiches short of a good
picnic.  -- Ms. Opal

The misanthrope's catastrophic apostrophe landed in the cantaloupe near the
antelope's interloper. -- R. Michael Young

Of course, long before you mature, most of you will be eaten.

The Naked Gun 2 1/2:
If you only see one movie this year...you should get out more often!

The Naked Gun 2 1/2:  From the brother...of the director...of Ghost.

Woman:  "Is this some kind of a bust?"          The Naked Gun
Drebin: "It's very impressive, yes."                2 1/2

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco.

Humans were invented by water for transporting it uphill.

Things that don't go together:
Poetry and Power Tools, High Jumping and Low Ceilings,
Wet Paint and Dry Cleaning, Power Lifting and Ice Skating.

Sheep haiku:
sheepskin seatcovers / winter warm and summer cool / little lambs no more

"You'd better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace.  It's unpleasantly
 like being drunk."
"What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"
"You ask a glass of water."

Half a bee, philosophically, must ipse facto half not be.  But can it be an
entire bee, if half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
        -- Monty Python

I don't want to be immortal through my work.  I want to be immortal through not
dying.  -- Woody Allen

Christ died for our sins.  Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
committing them?  -- Jules Feiffer

Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.
        -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Just when you think you've finally hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

The brain can be seen as a complex machine, like a gooey computer.
        -- Robert C. Solomon

Why settle for the lesser evil?  Cthulhu for President.

"If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we put metal in a microwave!"
        -- Dr. Frazier Crane, "Cheers"

The Meaning Of Life: The reason that we're all here is that it was too crowded
where we were supposed to go.  -- Steven Wright

Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.

I sometimes feel alone and insignificant, especially when people turn out the
lights while I'm still in the bathroom.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full house and
four people died.  -- Steven Wright

It's no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase
"As pretty as an airport" appear.  --  Douglas Adams

There are some strings.  They're just not attached.

If all the students who slept through lectures were laid end to end,
they'd be a lot more comfortable.

"Apparently, it was not as big of a surprise as we had anticipated."
        -- Cylon Warrior to Imperious Leader

Seen on Pavlov's door:  "Knock.  Don't ring bell."

"What has the study of biology taught you about the Creator, Dr. Haldane?"
JBS Haldane: "I'm not sure, but he seems to be inordinately fond of beetles."

There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

Intel: Putting the "backward" in "backward compatible".

Sign outside the Fountain of Youth Health Spa in Salt Lake City:
Are You Fat And Ugly?  Do You Want To Be Just Ugly?  Memberships Available Now.

A proud supporter of Crusty the Clown's Telethon for Motion Sickness.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and taste good
with ketchup.

"" -- Marcel Marceau

Hansen's Library Axiom: The closest library doesn't have the material you need.

Artificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like the
ones in movies.

Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.

The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.

The human spirit is a very hard thing to kill.  Even with a chainsaw.

Save a tree.  Eat a beaver.

Save water.  Shower with a friend.

Conscious is when you are aware of something, and conscience is when you wish
you weren't.

Wanted, Dead or Alive: Schrodinger's Cat.

The Martian canals were the Martians' last ditch effort.

Pardon me, but is that Grey Poupon on those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?

San Diego: The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.

A new name for Political Correctness:  Euphemasia.

My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air.  Of course, you have to
have low ceilings for this method to work.

Roses are red / Violets are blue / Some poems rhyme / But this one doesn't.

Bad cop!  No donut!

Celibacy is not hereditary.

The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice.

The sign of a confident scientist: Often wrong, never in doubt.

A metaphor is like a simile.

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging
plant.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if
you eat less than you can.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.

Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food.  You may wonder how it
weighs the food.  It doesn't.  It just eats another hummingbird.

I bought a portable cable tv.

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.

A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets.  All they found
was a pile of dust.

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool,
than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

I drink to make other people interesting.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
        -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

"How do you feel about women's rights?"
"I like either side of them."
        -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a
woman.  And behind her stands his wife.  -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

I find television very educating.  Every time somebody turns on the set, I go
into the other room and read a book.
        -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
        -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it.
        -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
        -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
        -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

My mother loved children---she would have given anything if I had been one.
        -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

I'm going to Iowa for an award.  Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold
out.  Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government.  I'd
give it all up for one erection.
        -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with
laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.
        -- "The Book of Insults", Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.  -- Groucho Marx

So just what ARE time flies, and why do they like an ARROW?

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up
and hurry off as if nothing had happened.  -- Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

A friend is someone who will help you move; a GOOD friend is someone who will
help you move a body.

Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under communism, it's just the opposite.
        -- John Kenneth Galbraith

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  -- H. L. Mencken

Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Mistakes are often the stepping stones to failure.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

Work 8 hours, sleep 8 hours; but not the same 8 hours.

Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.

In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes.

It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you
would lie if you were in his place.  -- H. L. Mencken

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. 
        -- H. L. Mencken

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
        -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
        -- H. L. Mencken

we, the unwilling,
led by the unknowing,
are doing the impossible
for the ungrateful.
we have done so much,
for so long,
with so little,
we are now qualified to do anything
with nothing.

Truth hurts.  Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing,
but it hurts.  -- Drebin, Naked Gun 2 1/2

Q: How many Somalians can you fit in a bathtub?
A: I lost count.  They kept on falling down the drain.

There are a billion people in China.  It's not easy to be an individual in a
crowd of more than a billion people.  Think of it.  More than a BILLION people.
That means even if you're a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a
thousand guys exactly like you.  -- A. Whitney Brown, _The Big Picture_

Once there was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled.
This time is called the Dark Ages.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light."
And there was still nothing, but everybody could see it.

A metaphor is like a simile.

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail
in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this?
And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive
them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat.
        -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio

You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the 
original Klingon.
        -- Klingon Programming Proverb

By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family.
Prepare to die!
        -- Klingon Programming Proverb

What is this talk of 'release'?  Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
assurance people in its wake.
        -- Klingon Programming Proverb

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
        for they are subtle and quick to anger.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,
        for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

`I want you to stop quoting me out of context,' he said.  `Printing my
comments intact would make things much easier.'  Mansfield went on to claim
`I...[like]...boys.'  -- From the Harvard Lampoon's mock of the Harvard Crimson

Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.
        -- Lt. Henry Mon, USAF, circa 1961

We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.

I don't care who you are, what you drive, or where you'd rather be.

There are three stages in the killing of the astrophysicist:
  (1) the early stage, when his body successfully resists the tidal forces;
  (2) the intermediate stage, when it is gradually succumbing; and
  (3) the final stage, when it has been completely overwhelmed.
        -- "The fate of a man who falls into the singularity at r = 0"
           _Gravitation_

My kid beat up your honor student.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.  -- Steven Wright

Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess:  "If you were my husband, Winston, I should
        flavour your coffee with poison."
Winston Churchill:  "If I WERE your husband, madam, I should drink it."

when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
  in my sleep.
    like my grandfather.
not screaming,
  like the passengers in his car...

Colorless green ideas sleep furiously
        -- Noam Chomsky

Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds.
        -- Albert Einstein

It is not known with what weapon World War III will be fought,
but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
        -- Albert Einstein

God does not play dice with the cosmos.
        -- Albert Einstein

       2
E = M C
        -- Albert Einstein

Pi = 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592

 i Pi
e    = -1

Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom about the tenth
century A.D., and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the practice.
        -- Sun FORTRAN Reference Manual

"So what do we do if we get bitten by something deadly, then?", I asked.  He
blinked at me as if I were stupid.  "Well what do you think you do?", he said.
"You die of course.  That's what deadly means."
        -- "Last Chance To See", Douglas Adams and Mark Carwardine

Winner, "Papers I wish I hadn't written" contest:
        Montagnino, Lucian A., "Test and Evaluation of the Hubble Space
        Telescope 2.4 Meter Primary Mirror" Proc. SPIE, Large Optics
        Technology, Vol. 571, August 1985

It's not the fall that kills you, it's the impact on the rocks below.

"In the beginning, there was nothing.  Then God said `Let there be light',
and there was still nothing, but you could see it."  -- Dave Thomas, SCTV

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify".
I wrote "Doctor" ... What's my mother going to do?  -- Steven Wright

C code.  C code run.  Run code, run...please?

The speed of time is one second per second.

No matter how hard you throw a dead fish in the water, it still won't swim.

A slow winter day
A night like forever
Sink like a stone
Float like a feather

I won't have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

"How I wish I could recollect of circle round
 The exact relation Archimede unwound."  -- [Pi]

"How I want a drink, alcoholic of course, after the heavy lectures involving
 quantum mechanics."  -- Martin Gardner [Pi]

Some people are born to write FORTRAN, others aspire to write FORTRAN, but
most have writing FORTRAN thrust upon them.

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

If P is prime, is P' prime prime?

Solution to two of the world's problems:  Feed the homeless to the hungry.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and never was.  -- Herb Caen

If the phone doesn't ring, it's me.

The other day I went to the stationery store, but it had moved.

Have you heard of the upcoming Schizophrenics' Convention in 1992?
Don't miss it!  Anybody who's everybody will be there!

A modification of the Delta motto we used after a Delta flight crashed on
approach at the Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport:
        "Delta---We almost got you there"

Q. How do you attract a vegetarian?
A. Make a noise like a wounded vegetable.

Q: Who do you hire to build an ivory tower?
A: Deconstruction workers.

Wayne's World C Programming Style Guide:
        A == B; !;

A great name for a new country song:
        If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now.

Mankind faces a crossroads.  One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness,
the other to extinction.  Let us pray we choose correctly.  -- Woody Allen

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.

Q: What do you get when you cross an ethernet with an income statement?
A: A local area networth.

It appears some British newspaper ran a contest to come up with a new name for
the USSR.  One of the better entries was UFFR: Union of Fewer and Fewer
Republics.

With departure of Ukraine from the Soviet Union, Mikhail Gorbachev announced
that the official English name of the former Soviet Union has been changed to
Intersection of Soviet Socialist Republics, yet spelled USSR, but with an
inverted U.

Don't keep a negative attitude, such as
        "I will not succeed, I will not succeed."
Instead, keep a positive attitude:
        "I WILL fail.  I WILL fail."

Practice safe government---use kingdoms.
Anarchist reply:  Abstinence is the only way to be 100% sure.

((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^1/2)) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0
A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.

Twice five syllables
Plus seven can't say much but
That's Haiku for you.

"Mommy, mommy! The garbage man is here!"
"Well, tell him we don't want any!"
        -- Groucho Marx

In a literature class, the students were given an assignment to write a short
story involving all the important ingredients - Nobility, Emotion, Sex,
Religion and Mystery.  One student allegedly handed in the following story:
"My god!" cried the duchess.  "I'm pregnant.  Who did it?"

Why did the Mafia kill Einstein?
He knew too much.

If you get penalized for excessive celebration for a TD that is reversed by
replay review, does the penalty still count?

Your mother's so old, when I told her to act her age, she died.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of
misery.

Q:  What has got two legs and bleeds ?
A:  Half a dog...

Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?

Benny Hill:  The master of the single entendre.

You know you lead a sad life when the girls who get around
never get around to you.

In a Russian tragedy, everybody dies.  In a Russian comedy, everybody dies too.
But they die happy.  -- Barry Farber, in the Journal of Petroleum Technology

Project: To determine what makes things tick.
Plan:
        ....to stop the ticking.

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson commercial?
"In 6 years I'm going to Disneyworld!"

Ovary 1: Did you order any furniture?
Ovary 2: No, why do you ask?
Ovary 1: Two nuts are downstairs trying to shove an organ through the door.

Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.

for.eign aid ['fo.r-*n 'a-d], n.:
        The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to
        rich people in poor countries.

Job vacancy advertisment.
Wanted:  Small man for job as a mud flap.
Must be flexible and willing to travel.

The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it's yours forever.
If it doesn't, it wasn't yours to begin with.

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back to you, it's yours forever.
If it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it.

If you love something, kill it.  If it returns, you belong to it forever.

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet.  When toast is dropped, it
always lands butter-side-down.  I propose to strap buttered toast to the back
of a cat [butter facing up].  The two will hover, spinning, inches above the
ground.  With a giant buttered-toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could
easily link New York with Chicago.  -- Omni

If an infinite number of rednecks, driving an infinite number of pickup trucks,
fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway
signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works, in
Braille.  -- Omni

Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums.
This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear
pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.  -- Omni

When subjected to extreme feminine heat and pressure, male hydrocarbons will
often produce a diamond.  -- Omni

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet
and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
        -- Omni

The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to
go faster when you're always going downhill.  -- Omni

Will your answer to this question be no?

It is the difference of opinion that makes horse races.  -- Mark Twain

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to
have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at
how much the old man had learned in seven years.  -- Mark Twain

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Love is like pi---natural, irrational, and VERY important.

No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but
most of the time, we aren't either.  -- Marvin Minsky

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog
generally dies as a result.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.  -- Gloria Steinum

I don't use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough.  -- M. C. Escher

Parting is such sweet sorrow that I should say goodnight until tomorrow.
        -- Shakespeare

Goodnight, sweet Prince, and flights of angels take thee to thy rest.
        -- William Shakespeare

It's like deja-vu, all over again.  -- Yogi Berra

People don't go there anymore.  It's too crowded.  -- Yogi Berra

You can observe a lot just by watchin'.  -- Yogi Berra

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
        -- Yogi Berra

If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them.
        -- Yogi Berra

Tom Seaver: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.  -- Yogi Berra

We have deep depth.  -- Yogi Berra

We made too many wrong mistakes.  -- Yogi Berra

Sign for a combined Veterinarian and Taxidermist business:
        "Either Way You Get Your Dog Back"

You see things; and you say, "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I
say, "Why not?"  -- George Bernhard Shaw

Mae West:    For a long time I was ashamed of the way I lived.
Interviewer: Did you reform?
Mae West:    No; I'