5000

IF DR. SEUSS WERE TECHNICAL
---------------------------
Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:
    
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
    
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
    
You can't say this?
What a shame sir!
We'll find you
Another game sir.
    
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
    
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
    
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

One bright day in the middle of night two dead boys rose to fight.
Back to back they faced each other, drew their swords and shot one another.
A deaf policeman heard the noise, and saved the lives of the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true, ask the blind man, he saw it too.

I think animal testing is a terrible idea;
they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
        -- _A Bit of Fry and Laurie_

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody.
Now I see that I should have been more specific.
        -- Jane Wagner, _The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe_
           [Performed by Lily Tomlin]

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in
many kinds of motivation, among other functions.  The hypothalamus controls the
"Four F's":  1. fighting;  2. fleeing;  3.feeding; and  4. mating.
        -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course

A three line PERL script that implements RSA public key encryption
TRY: echo squeamish ossifrage | rsa -e 3 7537d365 | rsa -d 4e243e33 7537d365
#!/usr/local/bin/perl -s-- -export-a-crypto-system-sig -RSA-in-3-lines-PERL
($k,$n)=@ARGV;$m=unpack(H.$w,$m."\0"x$w),$_=`echo "16do$w 2+4Oi0$d*-^1[d2%
Sa2/d0<X+d*La1=z\U$n%0]SX$k"[$m*]\EszlXx++p|dc`,s/^.|\W//g,print pack('H*'
,$_)while read(STDIN,$m,($w=2*$d-1+length($n||die"$0 [-d] k n\n")&~1)/2)

Bigamy is having one wife too many.  Monogamy is the same.  -- Oscar Wilde

What is a committee?  A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do
the unnecessary.  -- Richard Harkness, _The New York Times_, 1960

Teach a man to fish, he'll eat fish the rest of his life.
Teach a fish to learn, and soon the fish will all be running around in schools!

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.  Attack ships on fire off the
shoulder of Orion. I've watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser
Gate.  All these moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.
        -- Roy Baty, in "Blade Runner"

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all the radio
stations in Chicago...we're one of them."

With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles
closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there
are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as
progress.  -- Ransom K. Ferm

Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the
correct screw.

It is possible for your mind to be so open that your brain falls out.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"  
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" 
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" 
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years
of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies
in the history of the world.  -- Dave Barry

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I
hate plants.  -- A. Whitney Brown

A democracy cannot exist as a permanent form of government. It can only
exist until a majority of voters discover that they can vote themselves
largess out of the public treasury.
        -- Alexander Tyler, eighteenth-century Scottish historian

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging
their prejudices.  -- William James

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling
down the highway.  -- Andrew Tannenbaum

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
in it---and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
stove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again---and that is
well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
        -- Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens, American Writer, 1835-1910)

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are
1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on
the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
        -- From an article on the growth of federal regulations
           in the Oct. 24th issue of National Review

A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of
obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had
been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000
responses about three days after the ad came out.
_
All from the same person.

When the tide of life turns against you
And the current upsets your boat
Don't waste tears on what might have been
Just lie on your back and float

Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line, 
off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net.

There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to
use as his telephone.  That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to
use my telephone.  -- Stroustrup

I am Homer of Borg! Prepare to be... Ooooooo! Donuts!

Courteous Postal Workers:
A. Always have stamps on hand.
B. Are kind, courteous, and patient with customers.
C. Save the last bullet for themselves.

Half of the people in the world are below average.

There's so much comedy on television.  Does that cause comedy in the streets?
        -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

Life in a vacuum sucks.

What method does Kurt Cobain use to collect his thoughts?  A spatula.

The number you have dialed is imaginary.  Please divide by 0 and try again.

I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is getting better.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's
life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if
there are men on base.  -- Dave Barry

I am sick unto death of obscure english towns that exist seemingly for the sole
accommodation of these so-called limerick writers---and even sicker of their
residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time
dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
        -- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:  No matter how great your triumphs or how
tragic your defeats---approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.

668: The Neighbor of the Beast

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
        -- Emo Phillips

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when
you make it again.  -- F. P. Jones

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the
experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to
do so.  -- Douglas Adams, _Last Chance to See_

No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's
not the same man.  -- Heraclitas

C code. C code run. Run, code, run!

But as he knew no bad language, he had called him all the names of common
objects that he could think of, and had screamed: "You lamp!  You towel!  You
plate!" and so on.  -- Sigmund Freud

These are my new shoes.  They're good shoes.  They won't make you rich like me,
they won't make you rebound like me, they definitely won't make you handsome
like me.  They'll only make you have shoes like me.  That's it.
        -- Charles Barkley

"Life without you would be like a broken pencil."
"How's that?"
"Completely pointless."
        -- Blackadder, Series II

On a tombstone:  "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you
understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money.  What's
important is that you continue to do so.
        -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney

Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me --
The Carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.                                                               
            -Emily Dickinson

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in
the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the
God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"  -- Quentin Crisp

Confucius say too much.  -- Recent Chinese proverb

Boundary, n.  In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, 
separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. 
        -- Ambrose Bierce, _The Devil's Dictionary_

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of
being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being
sick and tired.  I'm certainly not!  But I'm sick and tired of being told that
I am!  -- Monty Python

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless in has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce.  -- J. Edgar Hoover

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep 'till noon.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
        -- George Carlin

Join the Army!
Travel to exotic, distant lands.  Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them.

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution 
inevitable.  -- John F. Kennedy

Life may have no meaning.
Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
        -- Ashleigh Brilliant

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
        -- Ashleigh Brilliant

Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.

  And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
  They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of
our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood
revealed."
  And Jesus replied, "What?"

In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if
they expected to graduate in the top half of their class.  Ninety-seven percent
responded that they did.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham 
Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.                 
        -- David Letterman

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that
you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".  Disraeli replied,
"That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your
mistress."

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone
calls taper off.  -- Johnny Carson

Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back.  Even if it does look like he
hasn't eaten in a while.
        -- Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball
           opponent in the Olympics

I think that the team that wins game five will win the series.
Unless we lose game five.  -- Charles Barkley

My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I
realized that I had no character.
        -- Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself
           "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"

G M:    So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?
S:      Yes, thirteen.
G M:    Thirteen!  Good lord, isn't that a burden?
S:      Well, I love my husband.
G M:    Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
        -- Groucho Marx, on _You Bet Your Life_

...and then I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me
would I yes to say yes my mountain flower and first I put my arms around him
yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and his
heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes!
        -- James Joyce, _Ulysses_

A slipping sear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect
it.  That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
        -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine,
           the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance

An Animated Cartoon Theology:
1. People are animals.
2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and
   plucked for music.
5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own
   cunning.
6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own
   momentum.
7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.
        -- E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel"

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself.  -- Mark Twain

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't
        realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?

On one occasion a student burst into his office.  "Professor Stigler, I don't
believe I deserve this F you've given me."  To which Stigler replied, "I agree,
but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to
award."

The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of
legs.  -- E. Grebenik

I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, particularly if he has
income and she is pattable.  -- Ogden Nash

When I was in high school, my friends would lay anything that moved.
I choose not to limit myself.

I prefer my lovers to be female, human, and breathing, but I'll take any two
out of three in a pinch.

Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."

Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
        -- Old Farmer's Almanac

On a sidewalk near Portland State University someone wrote `Trust Jesus', and
someone else wrote `But Cut the Cards'.

Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea):  For best results:
Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron with warm iron.
For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles, blow-dry on roofrack.

G:      "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB:     "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and
         scatter oneself over a wide area."
        -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4

The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.                
        -- Plutarch

From alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die:
Another similarity is that Rush Limbaugh and Barney are both purple, or would
be if someone had the good sense to wrap some piano wire around Rush's neck..

It's hard to make a program foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Nuke the unborn gay whales for Jesus!

Hi!  I'm a shareware signature!  Send $5 if you use me, send $10 for manual!

Democracy is mob rule, but with income taxes.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"  Then a voice answers
"Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up."
        -- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
        -- Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]

Why are our days numbered and not, say lettered.  -- Woody Allen

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
        -- Salvador Dali

Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the
child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.  -- Sigmund Freud

Be regular and orderly in your life, that you may be violent and original in
your work.  -- Clive Barker, "Jihad"

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when
you kill them.  -- William Clayton

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've
always worked for me.  -- Hunter S. Thompson

It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be
thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge.
        -- Voltaire

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.  -- Mark Twain

Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman's toes to
her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between,
given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace.
        -- From "A Woman's Worth" by Marianne Williamson

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down
and meet them with baseball bats.  -- Woody Allen, on the KKK

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high
powered rifle and scope.  -- P.J. O'Rourke

Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of.  It's nothing to be particularly
proud of, either.
        -- From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in _Life In Hell_
           by Matt Groening

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an
important lesson to be learned.  Do not have sex with the authorities.
        -- From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in _Life In Hell_
           by Matt Groening

No one is more carnal than a recent virgin.  -- John Steinbeck

"Time's fun when you're having flies."  -- Kermit the Frog

Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change it and one to not change it.

Of all the people I know, you're one of them.

/nev/dull

Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots
   say to his students?
A: Watch closely.  I'm only going to do this once.

Things should be as simple as possible, but not simpler.  -- Albert Einstein

Condense soup, not books!

I used to have a photgraphic memory, but it was never developed...

Hey, bartender, a thousand pints of light!  --  Second City Players

Nancy Reagan meets Ms. Manners:  Just say "No, thank you."

If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs,
consider an exciting career as a guillotine operator!

Save Soviet Jewry---Win Valuable Prizes!

Women libbers are ok.  I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.

Draft beer, not people.

When aiming for the common denominator,
be prepared for the occasional division by zero.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Klein bottle for rent---inquire within.

Did you hear about the dislexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night
wondering if there really is a Dog?

When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
        -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers

There are two major products to come out of Berekley:  LSD and UNIX.
We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

He looked at me at though I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two.  One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the
   bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Character density:  The number of very weird people in the office.

Half moon tonight.  At least it's better than no moon at all.

Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.

The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.

There's nothing I like less than bad arguments for a view that I hold dear.
        -- Daniel Dennett

...an animal loses not only its life but also its third dimension.
        -- Roger M. Knutson, in "Flattened Fauna: A Field Guide to Common
           Animals of Roads, Streets,and Highways"

Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!  He shoots.  HE SCOOORES!

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between
the right man and the right woman...  -- Woody Allen

Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.

Everybody should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink.

If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

Detroit:  Where the weak are killed and eaten.

We must hang together, gentlemen...else, we shall most assuredly hang
separately.  -- Benjamin Franklin, 1776

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.  It should be thrown with great
force.  -- Dorothy Parker

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it,
and I just hate it.  -- Clarence Darrow

To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.

Everybody wants to see justice done, to somebody else.  -- Bruce Cockburn

Trees don't fall in the forest when no one's around to hear them.  Sometimes
they just happen to be on the ground when you see them again.

Minds, like parachutes, only function when they are open.

Two behaviorists meet in the morning and one says to the other,
"You're fine.  How am I?"

To err is human, to moo bovine.

Read my Lisp...no new syntax.  (nil)

One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero,
they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
        -- Robert Firth

God is real, unless declared as an integer.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal.

Camouflage condoms:  So they won't see you coming.

The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse.

You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart
threw a sword at you!  -- Monty Python's Holy Grail

I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.  -- Joe Walsh

What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.

Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:  Negative expectations yield negative
results.  Positive expectations yield negative results.

Grabel's Law:  2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2.

The crimes we are about to depict have been specially committed for this
program.

The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Death:  To stop sinning suddenly.

Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.

No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.

Whatever happens to you, it will have previously happened to everyone you know,
only more so.

Happiness:  The agreeable sensation of contemplating the misery of others.

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.  -- R. Geis

The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!

Hindsight is an exact science.

An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the
grand fallacy.

That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all.

One planet is all you get.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so you better
get used to it.

Be different:  Conform.

A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.

If the odds are a million to one against something occuring, chances are 50-50
it will.

Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.

Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.

Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.

Acid:  Better living through chemistry.

There's no future in time travel.

Hail to the sun god, he sure is a fun god, Ra, Ra, Ra!

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing
about.

He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.

Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
        -- Eric Hoffer

Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect to be paid back.

Don't feed the bats tonight.

Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to
teach them good manners.

Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
government at all.

Paul's law:  You can't fall off the floor.

Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.

Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows
what it is.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.

Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.

Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.

It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
others.

Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so!  -- Ford Prefect

New York...when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
        -- David Letterman

In the end, everybody must understand for themselves.  -- Martin-Lof

Listen to your surroundings and yourself, instead of Jimmy Swaggert.

Inspected by:  #15.

Now let's all repeat the non-conformist oath.

Omit needless words.  -- Strunk and White

This message has been brought to you by the number 5 and the letter F.

This sentence is false with probability 0.5.

It was as small as the hope in a dead man's eyes.

An armed society is a polite society.

"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "it means
just what I choose it to mean---neither more nor less."

I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.  -- Jessica Rabbit

Computer:  "How do you feel?"  Spock:  "I don't understand the question."

Weird theory #47:  Islamic women can do kinky things with their ankles.
That's why the Koran says they aren't supposed to reveal them in public.

The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to choose from.

Z.I.S.es:  Zero Information Statements.

While the builders of the cages sleep with bullets, bars and stones,
they do not see your road to freedom that you build with flesh and bone.

/earth:  file system full.

The race is not always to the swift, but it's a pretty safe bet.

MS-DOS:  Just say no!

Unix:  When you can't afford the very best.

Slimey?  Mud hole?  My HOME this is!  -- Yoda

Have you ever wondered if taxation without representation was cheaper?

I only changed one line and it was a comment...

On two occasions I have been asked, "Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the
machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?"

If you care about a dream enough, make it into a reality.

Eunichs:  The operating system for real men.

To be or not to be; that requires one TTL gate at a minimum, but you could do
it with three NAND gates, or just hook the output to Vcc.

Sin harder!  Ragnarok is coming!

Ask a fish head anything you want to.  It won't answer you; they can't talk.

Misfortune, n.  The kind of fortune that never misses.

Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow.

The worst thing about hell is that you THINK you're having a really good time.

There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they
don't care who gets the credit.

No matter where you go, there you are.  -- Buckaroo Banzai

When I was young, all I wanted was to be ruler of the universe.  Now that isn't
enough.  -- Alex P. Keaton

Fools!  Idiots!  Don't they realize that they are dealing with forces beyond
comprehension!  -- Doctor Science

Reading computer manuals without the hardware is a frustrating as reading sex
manuals without the software.  -- Arthur C. Clarke

If it ain't fixed, don't broke it!

You may ask yourself, how did I get here?  This is not my beautiful house!
This is not my beautiful wife!  -- Talking Heads

Did you ever feel that you were a typewriter, while everyone else in the world
was a wordprocessor?

Life would be so much easier if everyone read the manual.

When you asked me to live in sin with you, I didn't know you meant sloth.

Apathetic Surf Club:  We don't surf, and we don't care.

Isn't fun like the best thing to have ever?  -- Arthur

It's not a matter of life or death, but what is?  What is?

We had to get it passed before the columnists attacked!

This is MY universe and I'm SICK of people BARGING IN!

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Mr. Spock!  This disk is damaged!  Do you want to initialize it?

If God had meant for penguins to fly, he would have given them wings.

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If we're not listening, we'd have to be pretty blind.  -- J-L Gassee

Any errors in spelling, tact or fact are transmission errors.

"Where are we going?"  "Nowhere."  "So what's the rush?"  -- The Lost Boys

I support the Marcell Marceau Foundation,
because a mime is a terrible thing to waste.

If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate.

Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity.

Useless advice #986:  Never sit on a tack.

What did the Caspian sea?  -- Saki

I don't work for no 'Toon!

Objects in mirror are closer than they appear.

OS/2:  Just say no!

An Apple-a-day takes my credit card away.

Chief weapons of UNIX:  Fear, surprise and ruthless efficiency.

We've got the best government money can buy.

Bove's Theorem:  The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal
increases as the deadline approaches.

Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head
like this before.

Sex is not the answer.  Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.

"Are you ABNORMAL?  Then you are probably better than most people!
 Are alien space monsters bringing a STARTLING NEW WORLD?"
        -- The Book of the SubGenius

A thought for the day: In ``A Clarification of Questions,'' Iran's Ayatollah
Ruhollah Khomeini wrote that ``if a fly gets into the throat of one who is
fasting, it is not necessary to pull it out.''

Being in a minority, even a minority of one, does not make one insane.
        -- Winston Smith in Orwell's "1984"

A day without sunshine is like night.

There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane".  If you
buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back
and demand a refund?

College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to drink.

A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.

This is a crude version of a more advanced utility that has never been written.
        -- X-windows xwud(1) man-page

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true.
 I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk."
        -- Steven King, 3/8/90

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree
that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. -- Jay Leno

IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use.

Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.
"Ever since they threatened to fire me," Frank replied.

--------- if you cut here, you'll probably destroy your monitor ----------

The Dalai Lama walks up to a hot dog vendor and says,
"Make me one with everything."

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a
nail.  -- Abraham Maslow

He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.

Cole's Law:  Thinly sliced cabbage.

<Name> - Alive, occupying space, and exerting gravitational force.

Photons have mass?  I didn't know they were catholic!

Make everything as simple as possible, but not more so.

It is truly written that a man has five times as many fingers as ears,
but only twice as many ears as noses.

Goodbye.  I am leaving because I am bored.  -- George Saunders' dying words

Walt Disney is not dead.  He's in suspended animation.

"Do you accept Christ as your personal saviour?"
"Well, I've already got AT&T as my long distance carrier."

Flame all you want.  We'll post more.

You can't win.  You can't break even.  You can't even quit the game.

Jesus saves sinners...and redeems them for valuable cash prizes!

If you had everything, where would you keep it?

Someone put live piranha in our swimming pool. If we don't swim there
anymore, the piranha will starve.

The use of 'goto' statements is discouraged, especially with the label HELL:

What's the sound a name makes when it's dropped?

My friends...what are hot dogs? Chopped dog? No, they're chopped eyeballs, 
and what's better on eyeballs than A-1?

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
        -- English Professor, Ohio University

A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

God is love; Satan is 30 and up one set.

What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?

I haven't lost my mind;  I'm sure it's backed up on tape somewhere!

There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.  -- Shakespeare

Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?

Never hit a man with glasses.  Hit him with a baseball bat.

Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.

If Milli Vanilli falls down in the woods, does someone else make a sound?

There's more than one way to skin a cat.  Way #15: Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.

All persons, living or dead, are purely coincidental, and should not be
construed.  -- Kurt Vonnegut

There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?

If you hear an onion ring, answer it.

Better to Trade Knowledge than Something of Value.

Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile which flips over,
trapping you underneath. At night, the ice-weasels come.  --  Nietchze

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I
generalize, I don't care.  -- Dave Barry

Chu P'ing-man spent a thousand in gold and three years learning dragon killing
from Hunchback Yi only to learn there was no place for him to practice his art.

I like my penis, but I do not think it requires boldface, capitalization,
italics, or other forms of typographical emphasis.
        -- Eugene Bild, Chicago Reader

.Sig!  .Sig a .Sog!  .Sig it loud!  .Sig it .Strog!
        -- Karen Carpenter with a head cold

Women:  Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em...

Poetry and Power Tools:  "The sun creeps up / THE DAY AWAKES / ..."

Unlike the cleaning lady, I have to do Windows.

Gulf War Lite: High in accomplishments, with 2/3 fewer casualities than our
regular war!

[Warning on knife]:  Caution.  Blade is sharp.  Keep out of children.

I wrote a program in Lisp once...it wrote back to me.

Living right doesn't really make you live longer, it just SEEMS like longer.

Q: Where does virgin wool come from?  A: Ugly sheep.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.  -- Steven Wright

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"  -- Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.  -- Steven Wright

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
        -- Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
        -- Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.  -- Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
        -- Steven Wright

"Did you sleep well?"  "No, I made a couple of mistakes."  -- Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute.  Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby.  Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
the afternoon's appointments.  -- Steven Wright

My socks DO match.  They're the same thickness.  -- Steven Wright

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour.  -- Steven Wright

I have two very rare photographs.
One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
        -- Steven Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
        -- Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
        -- Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was in the shape
of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
        -- Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.  -- Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
        -- Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
        -- Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus?  -- Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
        -- Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"  -- Steven Wright

You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?  -- Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
        -- Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
        -- Steven Wright

I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don't know what to feed it.
        -- Steven Wright

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate.  Then I took it to a potluck.  I
stood in line for some cake.  They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate
cake?"  I said, "yes".  -- Steven Wright

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday.  She says if I'm good, she'll
give me the other one next year.  -- Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."  -- Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.  -- Steven Wright

I had amnesia once or twice.  -- Steven Wright

I bought a million lottery tickets.  I won a dollar.  -- Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax.  It's very simple.  You just fax a dollar bill to
everybody on the list.  -- Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called someone.  They
went "Aaaaahhhh..."  -- Steven Wright

My friend Sam has one leg.  I went to his house.  I couldn't go up the stairs.
        -- Steven Wright

The sun never sets on the British Empire.  But it rises every morning.  The sky
must get awfully crowded.  -- Steven Wright

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane.  I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
        -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and
then you remember it really is?  I'm like that all the time.
        -- Steven Wright

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
        -- Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet supplies".  So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
        -- Steven Wright

The sky already fell.  Now what?  -- Steven Wright

I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I wear my liver on my pant leg.
        -- Steven Wright

I still have my Christmas Tree.  I looked at it today.  Sure enough, I couldn't
see any forests.  -- Steven Wright

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
        -- Steven Wright

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle.  A little old
lady had to help me across the street.  -- Steven Wright

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're
Shakespeare?  -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're
reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed?  I'm
like that all the time.  -- Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.  It's in the apartment
somewhere.  -- Steven Wright

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...  -- Steven Wright

I had fried octopus last night.  You have to be really quiet when you eat it.
Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
        -- Steven Wright

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road.  It said, "what for?"
        -- Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch.  Now I have time to spare.  -- Steven Wright

I took a course in speed waiting.  Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
        -- Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese.  But I only nibble on it.  I make the holes bigger.
        -- Steven Wright

I moved into an all-electric house.  I forgot and left the porch light on all
day.  When I got home the front door wouldn't open.  -- Steven Wright

I got a garage door opener.  It can't close.  Just open.  -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
I'm like that all the time.  -- Steven Wright

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt.  "What are you
making?"  "A salt lick."  -- Steven Wright

There aren't enough days in the weekend.  -- Steven Wright

My friend Sally is a nudist.  I went to her house.  The closets have no doors.
The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.  -- Steven Wright

Sally plays strip poker.  Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
        -- Steven Wright

The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.  -- Steven Wright

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.  -- Steven Wright

Is "tired old cliche" one?  -- Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
        -- Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
        -- Steven Wright

It only rains straight down.  God doesn't do windows.  -- Steven Wright

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of
three-by-fives.  -- Steven Wright

The sign said "eight items or less".  So I changed my name to Les.
        -- Steven Wright

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road.  I asked it why.  It told me it
was none of my business.  -- Steven Wright

I rented a lottery ticket.  I won a million dollars.  But I had to give it
back.  -- Steven Wright

In school, every period ends with a bell.  Every sentence ends with a period.
Every crime ends with a sentence.  -- Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch.  Now I can give away free watches.  -- Steven Wright

I xeroxed a mirror.  Now I have an extra xerox machine.  -- Steven Wright

I took a course in speed reading.  Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm.  By
the time I got the machine set up, I was done.  -- Steven Wright

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for.  You put them on doughbolts.
They hold dough airplanes together.  For kids, they make erector sets out of
play-dough.  -- Steven Wright

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit
gum.  -- Steven Wright

I went to a garage sale.  "How much for the garage?"  "It's not for sale."
        -- Steven Wright

I went to San Francisco.  I found someone's heart.  -- Steven Wright

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers.  He hates New York.
        -- Steven Wright

A beautiful woman moved in next door.  So I went over and returned a cup of
sugar.  "You didn't borrow this."  "I will."  -- Steven Wright

I had my coathangers spayed.  -- Steven Wright

I washed a sock.  Then I put it in the dryer.  When I took it out, it was gone.
        -- Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather.  It moved to Alaska.  Now Santa
Claus is missing.  -- Steven Wright

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu."  The headwaiter said,
"Don't I know you?"  -- Steven Wright

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.  -- Steven Wright

I took lessons in bicycle riding.  But I could only afford half of them.  Now I
can ride a unicycle.  -- Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses.  I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.  -- Steven Wright

I got food poisoning today.  I don't know when I'll use it.  -- Steven Wright

I put my air conditioner in backwards.  It got cold outside.  The weatherman on
TV was confused.  "It was supposed to be hot today."  -- Steven Wright

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading.  Then I said
to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.  If you are in a spaceship that is
traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything
happen?"  He said, "I don't know."  I said, "I don't want your job."
        -- Steven Wright

I was in the first submarine.  Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
"We're surrounded."  -- Steven Wright

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake.  I didn't notice until I
got it set up.  People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
        -- Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
        -- Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean.  That just kills me.  I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen.  -- Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
        -- Steven Wright

It's a fine night to have an evening.  -- Steven Wright

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.  -- Steven Wright

I can't stop thinking like this.  -- Steven Wright

This isn't all true.  -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top,
and you think there's one more step?  I'm like that all the time.
        -- Steven Wright

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.  -- Steven Wright

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.  -- Steven Wright

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital.  They lay there and
looked at each other.  Their families came and took them away.  Eighty years
later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their
deathbeds, next to each other.  One of them looked at the other and said, "So.
What did you think?"  -- Steven Wright

My grandfather gave me a watch.  It doesn't have any hands or numbers.  He says
it's very accurate.  I asked him what time it was.  You can guess what he told
me.  -- Steven Wright

I spent all my money on a FAX machine.  Now I can only FAX collect.
        -- Steven Wright

What are imitation rhinestones?  -- Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
        -- Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?  -- Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.  Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check.  Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Madagascar.  She said, "Cut it out."  -- Steven Wright

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there.  Hunters would be all confused.  -- Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.  -- Steven Wright

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it it.  Every once
in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have
written that."  -- Steven Wright

"So, do you live around here often?"  -- Steven Wright

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.  She
said, "Hello, Information."  I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch."  And they were!  -- Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box.  It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually.  -- Steven Wright

[Referring to a glass of water:]
I mixed this myself.  Two parts H, one part O.  I don't trust anybody!
        -- Steven Wright

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
Earth taken from space.  On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
        -- Steven Wright

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...  -- Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.  -- Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.  -- Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."  -- Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
        -- Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.  -- Steven Wright

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail...  Kitten On Fire.  -- Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".  So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.  -- Steven Wright

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the
shape of an Ouija board.  You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the
table would move across the floor to it.  -- Steven Wright

I went to a general store.  They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
        -- Steven Wright

I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt
dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"  -- Steven Wright

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's.  The clerk said,
"ten-four."  -- Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet supplies".  So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".  -- Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door.  I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours."  He
said, "Yes, but not in a row."  -- Steven Wright

I love to go shopping.  I love to freak out salespeople.  They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?"  Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."  -- Steven Wright

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.  She said, "It's
free with purchase."  I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
        -- Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's.  She was buying clothes and I was putting
Slinkies on the escalator.  -- Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.  Twenty people were
trapped on the escalators.  -- Steven Wright

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping.  -- Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same
room and let them fight it out.  -- Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press?  I don't get it...
        -- Steven Wright

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.  -- Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord.  -- Steven Wright

I saw a close friend of mine the other day...  He said, "Stephen, why haven't
you called me?"  I said, "I can't call everyone I want.  My new phone has no
five on it."  He said, "How long have you had it?"  I said, "I don't know...
my calendar has no sevens on it."  -- Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called someone.  They
went "Aaaaahhhh..."  -- Steven Wright

Today I dialed a wrong number...  The other person said, "Hello?"  and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...  They said, "Uh...  I don't think so...
he's only 2 months old."  I said, "I'll wait."  -- Steven Wright

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish
tank.  I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this
<<<>>><<>><<<<.  I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I
got a lotta calls yesterday."  -- Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.  It's in the apartment
somewhere.  -- Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are
furious!  -- Steven Wright

All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across the hall tried to rob a
department store...with a pricing gun.  She said, "Give me all of the money in
the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."  -- Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.  Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check.  Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Germany.  She said, "Cut it out."  -- Steven Wright

Doing a little work around the house.  I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew.  People come over and I'm
gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."  -- Steven Wright

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never
have to go upstairs.  -- Steven Wright

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera
to see my way around.  I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.
The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.  -- Steven Wright

All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night.  I was teasing
them by watering them with ice cubes.  -- Steven Wright

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front
of the fire for the evening in two minutes.  -- Steven Wright

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to
run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head.  If you wanted to cook,
you had to pull off a sweater real quick.  -- Steven Wright

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road.  I don't know how I got there.
        -- Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was in the shape
of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.  So I had
to buy them again.  -- Steven Wright

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood
kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw
it at them.  -- Steven Wright

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car
keys.  I started the house up.  So, I drove it around for a while.  I was
speeding, and a cop pulled me over.  He asked where I lived.  I said, "right
here, officer".  Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all
the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"  -- Steven Wright

My house is on the median strip of a highway.  You don't really notice, except
I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.  -- Steven Wright

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so
I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]
        -- Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.  I hit the gas,
people behind me stop, and I'm gone.  -- Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm
the only one moving.  -- Steven Wright

I play the harmonica.  The only way I can play is if I get my car going really
fast, and stick it out the window.  I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to
take the old one out.  Now my car goes 500 miles per hour.  The harmonica
sounds *amazing*.  -- Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast.  -- Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
        -- Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.  -- Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere near the
place.  -- Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car.  It says, "I'm home now.  But leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out."  -- Steven Wright

Last year we drove across the country.  We switched on the driving...every half
mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't
remember what it was.  -- Steven Wright

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles".  That's pretty big.  Some people must be
really tired.  -- Steven Wright

A cop stopped me for speeding.  He said, "Why were you going so fast?"  I said,
"See this thing my foot is on?  It's called an accelerator.  When you push down
on it, it sends more gas to the engine.  The whole car just takes right off.
And see this thing?  This steers it."  -- Steven Wright

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know
the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?"  "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be
out that long..."  -- Steven Wright

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.  He said, "Didn't you
see the stop sign?"  I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
        -- Steven Wright

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now when I get
pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it
clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."  -- Steven Wright

The judge asked, "What do you plead?"  I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in
their right mind would park in the passing lane?"  -- Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
        -- Steven Wright

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area
was missing.  -- Steven Wright

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep.  Mom said, "Steven, time to
go to sleep."  I said, "But I don't know how."  She said, "It's real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left."  So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right.  My mother was there, and
she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."  -- Steven Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night.  -- Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?"  I
said, "No, I made a few mistakes."  -- Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.  -- Steven Wright

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.
My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.  -- Steven Wright

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out.  When she's asleep, I go over
there and write misspelled words on them.  -- Steven Wright

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.  She
said, "Hello, Information."  I said, "I can't find my socks."  She said,
"They're behind the couch."  And they were!  -- Steven Wright

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl.  She looked at me and
said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on."  I said, "Yeah, I know,
but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."  -- Steven Wright

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish.  I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck.  The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
        -- Steven Wright

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards.  I erased all of the records.  When I returned them to my friend, he
said, "Hey, these records are all blank."  -- Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali.  He was using a dotted line.  He
caught every other fish.  -- Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an
idiot.  -- Steven Wright

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay.  It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay!  Come here, Stay!"  He went insane.  Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing.  -- Steven Wright

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats on
them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.  -- Steven Wright

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.  Some
people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I'm afraid of widths.  -- Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog.  He's gone now.  -- Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
        -- Steven Wright

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself.  Two parts H, one part O.
I don't trust anybody!  -- Steven Wright

They say we're 98% water.  We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass
of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge...  -- Steven Wright

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
        -- Steven Wright

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice.  It's just that when
I leave a house, I go out through the window.  -- Steven Wright

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five
minutes without moving.  He said it was elevator practice.  -- Steven Wright

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids.  I got a toy subway instead.  You
couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go
by.  -- Steven Wright

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet
Earth taken from space.  On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
        -- Steven Wright

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...  -- Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.  -- Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.  -- Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.  They said, "What for?"
I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."  -- Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
        -- Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.  -- Steven Wright

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail...Kitten On Fire...  -- Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".  So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.  -- Steven Wright

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the
shape of an Ouija board.  You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the
table would move across the floor to it.  -- Steven Wright

There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.  In the back
you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.  -- Steven Wright

I went to a general store.  They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
        -- Steven Wright

I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt
dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"  -- Steven Wright

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's.
The clerk said, "ten-four."
        -- Steven Wright

I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet supplies".  So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
        -- Steven Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.  When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door.  I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours."  He
said, "Yes, but not in a row."  -- Steven Wright

I love to go shopping.  I love to freak out salespeople.  They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?"  Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."  -- Steven Wright

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.  She said, "It's
free with purchase."  I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
        -- Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's.  She was buying clothes and I was putting
Slinkies on the escalator.  -- Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
        -- Steven Wright

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas.  I took it to the Gift Wrap
department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know
when to stop unwrapping.  -- Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
        -- Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press?  I don't get it...
        -- Steven Wright

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.  -- Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord.  -- Steven Wright

I saw a close friend of mine the other day...He said, "Stephen, why haven't you
called me?"  I said, "I can't call everyone I want.  My new phone has no five
on it."  He said, "How long have you had it?"  I said, "I don't know...  my
calendar has no sevens on it."  -- Steven Wright

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be.  I called someone.
They went "Aaaaahhhh..."  -- Steven Wright

Today I dialed a wrong number...The other person said, "Hello?" and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...They said, "Uh...I don't think so...he's only
2 months old."  I said, "I'll wait."  -- Steven Wright

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish
tank.  I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this
<<<>>><<>><<<<.  I go down to the pet store---"Gimme another ten guppies, I
got a lotta calls yesterday."  -- Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant.  Then it got lost.  It's in the apartment
somewhere.  -- Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are
furious!  -- Steven Wright

All of the people in my building are insane.  The guy above me designs
synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats.  The lady across the hall tried to rob a
department store...with a pricing gun...She said, "Give me all of the money in
the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."  -- Steven Wright

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom.  They put
it in EXACTLY the same place it was.  When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I
know you?"  -- Steven Wright

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.  Every so often
I would flick it on and off just to check.  Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Germany.  She said, "Cut it out."  -- Steven Wright

Doing a little work around the house.  I put fake brick wallpaper over a real
brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew.  People come over and I'm
gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."  -- Steven Wright

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above...so I never
have to go upstairs.  -- Steven Wright

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera
to see my way around.  I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.
The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.  -- Steven Wright

All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night.  I was teasing
them by watering them with ice cubes.  -- Steven Wright

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front
of the fire for the evening in two minutes.  -- Steven Wright

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to
run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head.  If you wanted to cook,
you had to pull off a sweater real quick.  -- Steven Wright

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road.  I don't know how I got there.
        -- Steven Wright

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was in the shape
of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.  So I had
to buy them again.  -- Steven Wright

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood
kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw
it at them.  -- Steven Wright

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car
keys.  I started the house up.  So, I drove it around for a while.  I was
speeding, and a cop pulled me over.  He asked where I lived.  I said, "right
here, officer".  Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all
the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"  -- Steven Wright

My house is on the median strip of a highway.  You don't really notice, except
I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.  -- Steven Wright

For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so
I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...(slow glance upward)
        -- Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
        -- Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm
the only one moving.  -- Steven Wright

I play the harmonica.  The only way I can play is if I get my car going really
fast, and stick it out the window.  -- Steven Wright

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out.  Now my car
goes 500 miles per hour.  The harmonica sounds *amazing*.  -- Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they
wouldn't have to go so fast.  -- Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while...the tires got dizzy.
        -- Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
        -- Steven Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere near the
place.  -- Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car.  It says, "I'm home now.  But leave a
message and I'll call when I'm out."  -- Steven Wright

Last year we drove across the country.  We switched on the driving...every half
mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't
remember what it was.  -- Steven Wright

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles".  That's pretty big.  Some people must be
really tired.  -- Steven Wright

A cop stopped me for speeding.  He said, "Why were you going so fast?"  I said,
"See this thing my foot is on?  It's called an accelerator.  When you push down
on it, it sends more gas to the engine.  The whole car just takes right off.
And see this thing?  This steers it."  -- Steven Wright

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know
the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?"  "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be
out that long..."  -- Steven Wright

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign.  He said, "Didn't you
see the stop sign?"  I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
        -- Steven Wright

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now when I get
pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it
clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."  -- Steven Wright

The judge asked, "What do you plead?"  I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in
their right mind would park in the passing lane?"  -- Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
        -- Steven Wright

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area
was missing.  -- Steven Wright

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep.  Mom said, "Steven, time to
go to sleep."  I said, "But I don't know how."  She said, "It's real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left."  So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right.  My mother was there, and
she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."  -- Steven Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night.  -- Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?"  I
said, "No, I made a few mistakes."  -- Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.  -- Steven Wright

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.
My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.  -- Steven Wright

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out.  When she's asleep, I go over
there and write misspelled words on them.  -- Steven Wright

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information.  She
said, "Hello, Information."  I said, "I can't find my socks."  She said,
"They're behind the couch."  And they were!  -- Steven Wright

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl.  She looked at me and
said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on."  I said, "Yeah, I know,
but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."  -- Steven Wright

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish.  I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck.  The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
        -- Steven Wright

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards.  I erased all of the records.  When I returned them to my friend, he
said, "Hey, these records are all blank."  -- Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali.  He was using a dotted line.  He
caught every other fish.  -- Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an
idiot.  -- Steven Wright

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay.  It's fun to call him..."Come
here, Stay!  Come here, Stay!"  He went insane.  Now he just ignores me and
keeps typing.  -- Steven Wright

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats on
them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.  -- Steven Wright

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.  Some
people are afraid of heights.  Not me, I'm afraid of widths.  -- Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog.  He's gone now.  -- Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
        -- Steven Wright

(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself.  Two parts H, one part O.
I don't trust anybody!  -- Steven Wright

They say we're 98% water.  We're that close to drowning...(picks up his glass
of water from the stool)...I like to live on the edge...  -- Steven Wright

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
        -- Steven Wright

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice.  It's just that when
I leave a house, I go out through the window.  -- Steven Wright

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five
minutes without moving.  He said it was elevator practice.  -- Steven Wright

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids.  I got a toy subway instead.  You
couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go
by.  -- Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have any toy
train schedules?"  -- Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box.  It was a quicksand box.  I was an
only child...eventually.  -- Steven Wright

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round.  There was a gunshot
nearby.  The horses stampeded.  There I was running down the street on a purple
wooden horse.  -- Steven Wright

When I was eight, I played Little League.  I was on first; I stole third; I
went straight across.  Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance
between two points was a direct line.  I took advantage of that knowledge.
        -- Steven Wright

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up.  I couldn't find tractors
small enough to fit it.  -- Steven Wright

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator.  He didn't get his birthmark until he was
eight years old.  -- Steven Wright

My school colors were clear.  We used to say, "I'm not naked, I'm in the band."
        -- Steven Wright

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins.  Then put
the kid in and run around, looking frantic.  When he gets older, I'd tell him
he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.  -- Steven Wright

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach...it pisses me
off!  I'll go over to a little baby and say, "What are you doing here?  You
haven't worked a day in your life!"  -- Steven Wright

My friend has a baby.  I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask
him what he meant.  -- Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're
reading, reading...and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed?  I'm
like that all the time.  -- Steven Wright

Well, you know when you're rocking in a rocking chair, and you go so far that
you almost fall over backwards, but at the last instant you catch yourself?
That's how I feel all the time.  -- Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.  I think I've
forgotten this before.  -- Steven Wright

Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic.  I mimic my shadow.
        -- Steven Wright

I got a new shadow.  I had to get rid of the other one...it wasn't doing what I
was doing.  -- Steven Wright

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.  -- Steven Wright

Four years ago...no, it was yesterday.  -- Steven Wright

Today I...No, that wasn't me.  -- Steven Wright

Sometimes I...No, I don't.  -- Steven Wright

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at
the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet.  Two little
kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See,
that's how it's done."  -- Steven Wright

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious
because I brought a beach towel.  -- Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary.  I thought it was a poem about everything.
        -- Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus?  -- Steven Wright

Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?
        -- Steven Wright

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes.  It all started back in 1912...Well, to
make a long story short...  -- Steven Wright

I'm writing a book.  I've got the page numbers done.  -- Steven Wright

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.  -- Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.  -- Steven Wright

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?  -- Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.  -- Steven Wright

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed.  It wasn't the kind that folds.
        -- Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.  -- Steven Wright

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.  -- Steven Wright

I lost a button hole today.  -- Steven Wright

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
        -- Steven Wright

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.  -- Steven Wright

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
        -- Steven Wright

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn't hear it.  -- Steven Wright

I took a baby shower.  -- Steven Wright

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.  -- Steven Wright

I was skydiving horizontally.  -- Steven Wright

I washed mud, off of mud.  -- Steven Wright

I'm so hyper...(said with a very dull voice)  -- Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?  -- Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?  -- Steven Wright

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...  -- Steven Wright

"So, do you live around here often?"  -- Steven Wright

Women...can't live with 'em...can't shoot 'em.  -- Steven Wright

You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?  -- Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute.  Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby.  Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
the afternoon's appointments.  -- Steven Wright

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous
blond Chinese girl...I sat beside her.  I said, "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and
then I said, "Nice day, isn't it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and
he says I have a problem."  So I asked, "What's the problem?"  She replied, "I
can't tell you.  I don't even know you..."  I said, "Well sometimes it's good
to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus."  So she said, "Well, my
analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...by the way, my
name is Denise."  I said, "Hello, Denise.  My name is Bucky Goldstein..."
        -- Steven Wright

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me...I pushed "1"
and he just stood there...I said, "Hi, where you going?"  He said, "Phoenix."
So I pushed Phoenix.  A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds
blew in...  we were in downtown Phoenix.  I looked at him and said, "You know,
you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with."  We got into his car and
drove out to his shack in the desert.  Then the phone rang.  He said, "You get
it."  I picked it up and said, "Hello?"...The other side said, "Is this Steven
Wright?"...I said, "Yes..."  The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr.  Jones, the student
loan director from your bank.  It seems you have missed your last 17 payments,
and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we
loaned you.  We would just like to know what happened to the money?"  I said,
"Mr.  Jones, I'll give it to you straight.  I gave all of the money to my
friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon...and I would appreciate it
if you never called me again."  -- Steven Wright

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in
front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.  -- Steven Wright

I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...boy, were they mad!
        -- Steven Wright

The Stones, I love the Stones.  I watch them whenever I can.  Fred, Barney...
        -- Steven Wright

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm
in a submarine that's been hit.  -- Steven Wright

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
        -- Steven Wright

I have two very rare photographs.  One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys
in his car.  The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a
child.  -- Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it on all the
beaches of the world...perhaps you've seen it.  -- Steven Wright

I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading.  So, I got
some flip-up contact lenses.  -- Steven Wright

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo.  He got pretty good.
He could go under a rug.  -- Steven Wright

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify".
I wrote "Doctor"...What's my mother going to do?  -- Steven Wright

I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...the study of milkmen.
        -- Steven Wright

He was a multi-millionaire.  Wanna know how he made all of his money?
He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in.
        -- Steven Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
        -- Steven Wright

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go.  You'll
just be walking down the street, and...ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
        -- Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown.  When he died, all his friends went to the
funeral in one car.  -- Steven Wright

My girlfriend and I went on a picnic.  I don't know how she did it, but she got
poison ivy on the brain.  When it itched, the only way she could scratch it was
to think about sandpaper.  -- Steven Wright

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend.  It's called, "They'll
Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."
        -- Steven Wright

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour.
I said, "the whole time."  -- Steven Wright

It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay
right up there.  Hunters would be all confused.  -- Steven Wright

The sun got confused about daylight savings time.  It rose twice.  Everything
had two shadows.  -- Steven Wright

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is.  Every once
in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have
written that."  -- Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"  -- Steven Wright

Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears.  I
think George is weird, because he has false teeth.  with braces on them.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...you can't hear
him talk.  -- Steven Wright

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet,
what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
        -- Steven Wright

I saw a sign at a gas station.  It said "help wanted".  There was another sign
below it that said "self service".  So I hired myself.  Then I made myself the
boss.  I gave myself a raise.  I paid myself.  Then I quit.
        -- Steven Wright

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite
picture.  -- Steven Wright

I used to be an airline pilot.  I got fired because I kept locking the keys in
the plane.  They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.
        -- Steven Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over
what I considered to be an odd number.  -- Steven Wright

I have a map of the United States...actual size.  It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1
mile."  I spent last summer folding it.  I also have a full-size map of the
world.  I hardly ever unroll it.  -- Steven Wright

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped
out a quarter?  -- Steven Wright

I want to get a tatoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.
        -- Steven Wright

I'm kinda tired.  I was up all night trying to round off infinity.  Then I got
bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
        -- Steven Wright

This is my impression of a bowling ball...(drags the mike along the floor, then
lifts it)...gutter...  -- Steven Wright

I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather.  The team scored
a touchdown.  They showed the instant replay.  He thought they scored another
one.  I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game *he* was watching was
better.  -- Steven Wright

I owed my friend George $25.  For about three weeks I owed it to him.  The
whole time I had the money on me---he didn't know it.  Walking through New York
City, 2:30 in the morning, we got held up.  He said, "Gimme all your money."  I
said, "Wait a minute."  I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you."  The
the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to
George.  At gunpoint he made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.
        -- Steven Wright

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading.  Then I said
to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.  If you are in a spaceship that is
traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything
happen?"  He said, "I don't know."  I said, "I don't want your job."
        -- Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get
me five.  -- Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
        -- Steven Wright

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake.  I didn't notice until I
got it set up.  People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
        -- Steven Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night.  -- Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses.  I was walking down the street when suddenly the
prescription ran out.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I got food poisoning today.  I don't know when I'll use it.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I put my air conditioner in backwards.  It got cold outside.  The weatherman on
TV was confused.  "It was supposed to be hot today."
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I was in the first submarine.  Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
"We're surrounded."  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.
I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean.  That just kills me.  I wonder how much deeper the
ocean would be if that didn't happen.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

It's a fine night to have an evening.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I can't stop thinking like this.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

This isn't all true.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top,
and you think there's one more step?  I'm like that all the time.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital.  They lay there and
looked at each other.  Their families came and took them away.  Eighty years
later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their
deathbeds, next to each other.  One of them looked at the other and said, "So.
What did you think?"  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

My grandfather gave me a watch.  It doesn't have any hands or numbers.  He says
it's very accurate.  I asked him what time it was.  You can guess what he told
me.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I planted some bird seed.  A bird came up.  Now I don't know what to feed it.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate.  Then I took it to a potluck.  I
stood in line for some cake.  They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate
cake?"  I said, "Yes".  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday.  She says if I'm good, she'll
give me the other one next year.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I had amnesia once or twice.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I bought a million lottery tickets.  I won a dollar.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I got a chain letter by fax.  It's very simple.  You just fax a dollar bill to
everybody on the list.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

My friend Sam has one leg.  I went to his house.  I couldn't go up the stairs.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

The sun never sets on the British Empire.  But it rises every morning.  The sky
must get awfully crowded.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane.  I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

That which does not kill us, only makes us stronger.

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and
then you remember it really is?  I'm like that all the time.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

The sky already fell.  Now what?  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I wear my liver on my pant leg.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I still have my Christmas Tree.  I looked at it today.  Sure enough, I couldn't
see any forests.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle.  A little old
lady had to help me across the street.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're
Shakespeare?  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I had fried octopus last night.  You have to be really quiet when you eat it.
Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road.  It said, "what for?"
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch.  Now I have time to spare.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I took a course in speed waiting.  Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I eat swiss cheese.  But I only nibble on it.  I make the holes bigger.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I moved into an all-electric house.  I forgot and left the porch light on all
day.  When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I got a garage door opener.  It can't close.  Just open.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
I'm like that all the time.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt.  "What are you
making?"  "A salt lick."  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

There aren't enough days in the weekend.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

My friend Sally is a nudist.  I went to her house.  The closets have no doors.
The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Sally plays strip poker.  Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

The sky is falling...no, I'm tipping over backwards.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Is "tired old cliche" one?  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

It only rains straight down.  God doesn't do windows.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of
three-by-fives.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

The sign said "eight items or less".  So I changed my name to Les.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road.  I asked it why.  It told me it
was none of my business.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I rented a lottery ticket.  I won a million dollars.  But I had to give it
back.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

In school, every period ends with a bell.  Every sentence ends with a period.
Every crime ends with a sentence.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I xeroxed my watch.  Now I can give away free watches.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I xeroxed a mirror.  Now I have an extra xerox machine.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I took a course in speed reading.  Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm.
By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for.  You put them on doughbolts.
They hold dough airplanes together.  For kids, they make erector sets out of
play-dough.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit
gum.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I went to a garage sale.  "How much for the garage?"  "It's not for sale."
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I went to San Francisco.  I found someone's heart.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers.  He hates New York.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

A beautiful woman moved in next door.  So I went over and returned a cup of
sugar.  "You didn't borrow this."  "I will."  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I had my coathangers spayed.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I washed a sock.  Then I put it in the dryer.  When I took it out, it was gone.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather.  It moved to Alaska.  Now Santa
Claus is missing.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu."  The headwaiter said,
"Don't I know you?"  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I took lessons in bicycle riding.  But I could only afford half of them.  Now I
can ride a unicycle.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I got a calculator and now I can't add without it.  I got a spellchecker and I
can't write without it anymore.  I got a blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on
its own.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time.  Use enough to
get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing.  Einstein
discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company.  All of the trees were just 10
feet high and 1/4 inch thick.  We made paneling.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant.  I said, "I'll be the
one in the leather jacket."  She said, "I'll be the one drinking sake."  Turned
out it was one of those biker-sushi places.  We never met.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Wrote my own communications software in LISP.  Got a phone bill for a thousand
dollars.  My computer keeps calling itself.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant.  I said, "I'll be the
one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex."  Never found her, but when I got
home my place was robbed.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I spent all my money on a FAX machine.  Now I can only FAX collect.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

What are imitation rhinestones?  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

A metaphor is like a simile.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging
plant.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if
you eat less than you can.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food.  You may wonder how it
weighs the food.  It doesn't.  It just eats another hummingbird.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I bought a portable cable tv.  -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets.
All they found was a pile of dust.
        -- [Imitation] Steven Wright

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy
Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.  -- Emo Phillips

...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said "A truck!"
        -- Emo Phillips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop
the floor with your face."  I said, "You'll be sorry."  He said, "Oh, yeah?
Why?"  I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
        -- Emo Phillips

The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a loved one
just because they're the devil.  -- Emo Phillips

I ran three miles today, finally I said "lady take your purse."
        -- Emo Phillips

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.  -- Emo Phillips

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
        -- Emo Phillips

People come up to me and they're worried...that I'll reproduce.
        -- Emo Phillips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
        -- Emo Phillips

I was at a bar nursing a beer.  My nipple was getting quite soggy.
        -- Emo Phillips

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen
feet.  -- Emo Phillips

I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand.  I said "Give me a bladder
por favor."  The guy said "Is that to go?"  I said, "Well what else would I
want it for?"  -- Emo Phillips

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn
anthropologists.  -- Emo Phillips

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to
get lucky---but there wasn't any gum under any of them.  -- Emo Phillips

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?"
I said, "I don't know.  You can't see out the other way."  -- Emo Phillips

Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving.  When
brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for
drunk driving in that state was.  His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the
Senate?"

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up
and down and run around yelling and screaming...They don't know I'm only using
blanks.  -- Emo Phillips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.  So I said,
"Get off me, you two!"  -- Emo Phillips

I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge,
about to jump off.  so i ran over and said "stop! don't do it!"  "Why shouldn't
I?" he said.  I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"  He said, "Like
what?"  I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"  He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too!  Are you christian or buddhist?"  He said, "Christian."  I
said, "Me too!  Are you catholic or protestant?"  He said, "Protestant."  I
said, "Me too!  Are you episcopalian or baptist?"  He said, "Baptist!"  I said,
"Wow!  Me too!  Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of the lord?"
He said, "Baptist church of god!"  I said, "Me too!  Are you original baptist
church of god, or are you reformed baptist church of god?"  He said, "Reformed
baptist church of god!"  I said, "Me too!  Are you reformed baptist church of
god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist church of god, reformation of
1915?"  He said, "Reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1915!"  I
said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.  -- Emo Phillips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five
dollars for the second glass.  The refill contained the antidote.
        -- Emo Phillips

I'm from Downers Grove, Illinois. We had a blackout there the other day, but
fortunately the police made him get back into his car before he got too far.
        -- Emo Phillips

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll notice, I
sent a paper clip with my return.  Given what you've been paying for things
lately, that should more than make up the difference."  -- Emo Phillips

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours
before I realized it had a scratch on it.  -- Emo Phillips

You know what I hate?  Indian givers...no, I take that back.  -- Emo Phillips

DEAR MISS MANNERS -- When someone brings sweet rolls to work for a treat,
  is it proper for people to cut them up and leave halves, quarters or
  eighths on the plate?
GENTLE READER -- Those who bring sweet rolls to work should not be quartered,
  much less eighthed. They are only being nice.

Hello!  I'm a signature virus.  Join in the fun and copy me into yours!

Thought for the day:  What if there were no hypothetical situations?

I've truncated, and I can't round up!

Why can you only have two doors on a chicken coop?
If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

"Personal" ad in local paper:  David G. Contact me soon!  Bring three rings:
Engagement, wedding and teething.  Have news.  Debbie.

Getting tired of children?  Ever heard of youthanasia?

Why don't cannibals eat clowns?  Because they taste funny.

"My mother made me a homosexual!"
"If I send her the yarn, can she make me one too?"

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved children?
He just adored the platter of little feet...

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?

Scientific American, July 1991: The column describes an insect-like robot and
then relates an incident in which a curious visitor, upon seeing the thing for
the first time, asks "is it a bug?"  The reply: "No, it's a feature."

Quantum particles: The dreams that stuff is made of.

"Can you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here," asked Alice.
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the cat.

The other day I put my wrists in front of my eyes.
I had Carpal Tunnel Vision Syndrome.

While travelling near Tampa, Florida I passed the "Jehovah's Witness Assembly
Hall" and was struck by the fact that that must be where they make them.

Twice five syllables / Plus seven can't say much but / That's Haiku for you.

Be on the lookout for a leopard which escaped from the zoo early this morning.
It was spotted near the corner of 12th and Cherry at around 8am, and in all
likelihood still is.

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
Because OCT(31) = DEC(25)

355/113: Not the famous irrational number Pi, but an incredible simulation!

PALINDROME spelled backwards is EMORDNILAP.

I get up each morning, gather my wits.
Pick up the paper, read the obits.
If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
        -- Pete Seeger

Introducing "lite", the new way to spell "light", with 20% fewer letters!

I own my own body, but I share.

A "Frisbeterian" believes that when you die, your soul goes up on the
roof, and you can't get it back down.

"I better be going.  I have to get up sometime tomorrow." -- Jim from "Taxi"

Plan: To make a machine that will be proud of us. -- Thinking Machine's motto.

Anarchy: It's not a law, it's just a good idea.

Her eyes were cold and harsh, which made them tough to chew.

You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

Photons have mass?  I didn't even know they were Catholic.

Q: How do you spell "onomatopoeia"?  A: The way it sounds.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.

A witty saying proves nothing.  --  Voltaire

Eschew obfuscation.

She's a nice girl and all, but she's just a few sandwiches short of a good
picnic.  -- Ms. Opal

The misanthrope's catastrophic apostrophe landed in the cantaloupe near the
antelope's interloper. -- R. Michael Young

Of course, long before you mature, most of you will be eaten.

The Naked Gun 2 1/2:
If you only see one movie this year...you should get out more often!

The Naked Gun 2 1/2:  From the brother...of the director...of Ghost.

Woman:  "Is this some kind of a bust?"          The Naked Gun
Drebin: "It's very impressive, yes."                2 1/2

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco.

Humans were invented by water for transporting it uphill.

Things that don't go together:
Poetry and Power Tools, High Jumping and Low Ceilings,
Wet Paint and Dry Cleaning, Power Lifting and Ice Skating.

Sheep haiku:
sheepskin seatcovers / winter warm and summer cool / little lambs no more

"You'd better be prepared for the jump into hyperspace.  It's unpleasantly
 like being drunk."
"What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"
"You ask a glass of water."

Half a bee, philosophically, must ipse facto half not be.  But can it be an
entire bee, if half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury?
        -- Monty Python

I don't want to be immortal through my work.  I want to be immortal through not
dying.  -- Woody Allen

Christ died for our sins.  Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
committing them?  -- Jules Feiffer

Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you.
        -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Just when you think you've finally hit bottom, someone tosses you a shovel.

The brain can be seen as a complex machine, like a gooey computer.
        -- Robert C. Solomon

Why settle for the lesser evil?  Cthulhu for President.

"If we can put a man on the moon, why can't we put metal in a microwave!"
        -- Dr. Frazier Crane, "Cheers"

The Meaning Of Life: The reason that we're all here is that it was too crowded
where we were supposed to go.  -- Steven Wright

Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.

I sometimes feel alone and insignificant, especially when people turn out the
lights while I'm still in the bathroom.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full house and
four people died.  -- Steven Wright

It's no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase
"As pretty as an airport" appear.  --  Douglas Adams

There are some strings.  They're just not attached.

If all the students who slept through lectures were laid end to end,
they'd be a lot more comfortable.

"Apparently, it was not as big of a surprise as we had anticipated."
        -- Cylon Warrior to Imperious Leader

Seen on Pavlov's door:  "Knock.  Don't ring bell."

"What has the study of biology taught you about the Creator, Dr. Haldane?"
JBS Haldane: "I'm not sure, but he seems to be inordinately fond of beetles."

There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

Intel: Putting the "backward" in "backward compatible".

Sign outside the Fountain of Youth Health Spa in Salt Lake City:
Are You Fat And Ugly?  Do You Want To Be Just Ugly?  Memberships Available Now.

A proud supporter of Crusty the Clown's Telethon for Motion Sickness.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and taste good
with ketchup.

"" -- Marcel Marceau

Hansen's Library Axiom: The closest library doesn't have the material you need.

Artificial Intelligence is the study of how to make real computers act like the
ones in movies.

Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.

The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.

The human spirit is a very hard thing to kill.  Even with a chainsaw.

Save a tree.  Eat a beaver.

Save water.  Shower with a friend.

Conscious is when you are aware of something, and conscience is when you wish
you weren't.

Wanted, Dead or Alive: Schrodinger's Cat.

The Martian canals were the Martians' last ditch effort.

Pardon me, but is that Grey Poupon on those Bugle Boy jeans you're wearing?

San Diego: The weather is here, wish you were beautiful.

A new name for Political Correctness:  Euphemasia.

My parents put us to sleep by tossing us up in the air.  Of course, you have to
have low ceilings for this method to work.

Roses are red / Violets are blue / Some poems rhyme / But this one doesn't.

Bad cop!  No donut!

Celibacy is not hereditary.

The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice.

The sign of a confident scientist: Often wrong, never in doubt.

A metaphor is like a simile.

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging
plant.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if
you eat less than you can.

The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.

For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.

Horses just naturally have mohawk haircuts.

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food.  You may wonder how it
weighs the food.  It doesn't.  It just eats another hummingbird.

I bought a portable cable tv.

Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon paper.

I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four anywhere.

A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets.  All they found
was a pile of dust.

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool,
than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

I drink to make other people interesting.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
        -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

"How do you feel about women's rights?"
"I like either side of them."
        -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a
woman.  And behind her stands his wife.  -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

I find television very educating.  Every time somebody turns on the set, I go
into the other room and read a book.
        -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
        -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it.
        -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
        -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
        -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

My mother loved children---she would have given anything if I had been one.
        -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

I'm going to Iowa for an award.  Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold
out.  Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government.  I'd
give it all up for one erection.
        -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with
laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.
        -- "The Book of Insults", Groucho Marx, 1890-1977

Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.  -- Groucho Marx

So just what ARE time flies, and why do they like an ARROW?

Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up
and hurry off as if nothing had happened.  -- Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

A friend is someone who will help you move; a GOOD friend is someone who will
help you move a body.

Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under communism, it's just the opposite.
        -- John Kenneth Galbraith

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  -- H. L. Mencken

Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Mistakes are often the stepping stones to failure.

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

Work 8 hours, sleep 8 hours; but not the same 8 hours.

Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.

In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes.

It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you
would lie if you were in his place.  -- H. L. Mencken

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. 
        -- H. L. Mencken

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
        -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
        -- H. L. Mencken

we, the unwilling,
led by the unknowing,
are doing the impossible
for the ungrateful.
we have done so much,
for so long,
with so little,
we are now qualified to do anything
with nothing.

Truth hurts.  Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing,
but it hurts.  -- Drebin, Naked Gun 2 1/2

Q: How many Somalians can you fit in a bathtub?
A: I lost count.  They kept on falling down the drain.

There are a billion people in China.  It's not easy to be an individual in a
crowd of more than a billion people.  Think of it.  More than a BILLION people.
That means even if you're a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a
thousand guys exactly like you.  -- A. Whitney Brown, _The Big Picture_

Once there was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled.
This time is called the Dark Ages.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light."
And there was still nothing, but everybody could see it.

A metaphor is like a simile.

You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail
in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this?
And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive
them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat.
        -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio

You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the 
original Klingon.
        -- Klingon Programming Proverb

By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family.
Prepare to die!
        -- Klingon Programming Proverb

What is this talk of 'release'?  Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
assurance people in its wake.
        -- Klingon Programming Proverb

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards,
        for they are subtle and quick to anger.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons,
        for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

`I want you to stop quoting me out of context,' he said.  `Printing my
comments intact would make things much easier.'  Mansfield went on to claim
`I...[like]...boys.'  -- From the Harvard Lampoon's mock of the Harvard Crimson

Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.
        -- Lt. Henry Mon, USAF, circa 1961

We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.

I don't care who you are, what you drive, or where you'd rather be.

There are three stages in the killing of the astrophysicist:
  (1) the early stage, when his body successfully resists the tidal forces;
  (2) the intermediate stage, when it is gradually succumbing; and
  (3) the final stage, when it has been completely overwhelmed.
        -- "The fate of a man who falls into the singularity at r = 0"
           _Gravitation_

My kid beat up your honor student.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.  -- Steven Wright

Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess:  "If you were my husband, Winston, I should
        flavour your coffee with poison."
Winston Churchill:  "If I WERE your husband, madam, I should drink it."

when i die, i'd like to go peacefully.
  in my sleep.
    like my grandfather.
not screaming,
  like the passengers in his car...

Colorless green ideas sleep furiously
        -- Noam Chomsky

Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds.
        -- Albert Einstein

It is not known with what weapon World War III will be fought,
but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
        -- Albert Einstein

God does not play dice with the cosmos.
        -- Albert Einstein

       2
E = M C
        -- Albert Einstein

Pi = 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592

 i Pi
e    = -1

Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom about the tenth
century A.D., and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the practice.
        -- Sun FORTRAN Reference Manual

"So what do we do if we get bitten by something deadly, then?", I asked.  He
blinked at me as if I were stupid.  "Well what do you think you do?", he said.
"You die of course.  That's what deadly means."
        -- "Last Chance To See", Douglas Adams and Mark Carwardine

Winner, "Papers I wish I hadn't written" contest:
        Montagnino, Lucian A., "Test and Evaluation of the Hubble Space
        Telescope 2.4 Meter Primary Mirror" Proc. SPIE, Large Optics
        Technology, Vol. 571, August 1985

It's not the fall that kills you, it's the impact on the rocks below.

"In the beginning, there was nothing.  Then God said `Let there be light',
and there was still nothing, but you could see it."  -- Dave Thomas, SCTV

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify".
I wrote "Doctor" ... What's my mother going to do?  -- Steven Wright

C code.  C code run.  Run code, run...please?

The speed of time is one second per second.

No matter how hard you throw a dead fish in the water, it still won't swim.

A slow winter day
A night like forever
Sink like a stone
Float like a feather

I won't have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

"How I wish I could recollect of circle round
 The exact relation Archimede unwound."  -- [Pi]

"How I want a drink, alcoholic of course, after the heavy lectures involving
 quantum mechanics."  -- Martin Gardner [Pi]

Some people are born to write FORTRAN, others aspire to write FORTRAN, but
most have writing FORTRAN thrust upon them.

Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.

If P is prime, is P' prime prime?

Solution to two of the world's problems:  Feed the homeless to the hungry.

San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and never was.  -- Herb Caen

If the phone doesn't ring, it's me.

The other day I went to the stationery store, but it had moved.

Have you heard of the upcoming Schizophrenics' Convention in 1992?
Don't miss it!  Anybody who's everybody will be there!

A modification of the Delta motto we used after a Delta flight crashed on
approach at the Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport:
        "Delta---We almost got you there"

Q. How do you attract a vegetarian?
A. Make a noise like a wounded vegetable.

Q: Who do you hire to build an ivory tower?
A: Deconstruction workers.

Wayne's World C Programming Style Guide:
        A == B; !;

A great name for a new country song:
        If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now.

Mankind faces a crossroads.  One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness,
the other to extinction.  Let us pray we choose correctly.  -- Woody Allen

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.

Q: What do you get when you cross an ethernet with an income statement?
A: A local area networth.

It appears some British newspaper ran a contest to come up with a new name for
the USSR.  One of the better entries was UFFR: Union of Fewer and Fewer
Republics.

With departure of Ukraine from the Soviet Union, Mikhail Gorbachev announced
that the official English name of the former Soviet Union has been changed to
Intersection of Soviet Socialist Republics, yet spelled USSR, but with an
inverted U.

Don't keep a negative attitude, such as
        "I will not succeed, I will not succeed."
Instead, keep a positive attitude:
        "I WILL fail.  I WILL fail."

Practice safe government---use kingdoms.
Anarchist reply:  Abstinence is the only way to be 100% sure.

((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^1/2)) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0
A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.

Twice five syllables
Plus seven can't say much but
That's Haiku for you.

"Mommy, mommy! The garbage man is here!"
"Well, tell him we don't want any!"
        -- Groucho Marx

In a literature class, the students were given an assignment to write a short
story involving all the important ingredients - Nobility, Emotion, Sex,
Religion and Mystery.  One student allegedly handed in the following story:
"My god!" cried the duchess.  "I'm pregnant.  Who did it?"

Why did the Mafia kill Einstein?
He knew too much.

If you get penalized for excessive celebration for a TD that is reversed by
replay review, does the penalty still count?

Your mother's so old, when I told her to act her age, she died.

No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of
misery.

Q:  What has got two legs and bleeds ?
A:  Half a dog...

Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?

Benny Hill:  The master of the single entendre.

You know you lead a sad life when the girls who get around
never get around to you.

In a Russian tragedy, everybody dies.  In a Russian comedy, everybody dies too.
But they die happy.  -- Barry Farber, in the Journal of Petroleum Technology

Project: To determine what makes things tick.
Plan:
        ....to stop the ticking.

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson commercial?
"In 6 years I'm going to Disneyworld!"

Ovary 1: Did you order any furniture?
Ovary 2: No, why do you ask?
Ovary 1: Two nuts are downstairs trying to shove an organ through the door.

Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.

for.eign aid ['fo.r-*n 'a-d], n.:
        The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to
        rich people in poor countries.

Job vacancy advertisment.
Wanted:  Small man for job as a mud flap.
Must be flexible and willing to travel.

The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it's yours forever.
If it doesn't, it wasn't yours to begin with.

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back to you, it's yours forever.
If it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it.

If you love something, kill it.  If it returns, you belong to it forever.

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet.  When toast is dropped, it
always lands butter-side-down.  I propose to strap buttered toast to the back
of a cat [butter facing up].  The two will hover, spinning, inches above the
ground.  With a giant buttered-toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could
easily link New York with Chicago.  -- Omni

If an infinite number of rednecks, driving an infinite number of pickup trucks,
fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway
signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works, in
Braille.  -- Omni

Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums.
This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear
pressures, so they must yawn to even it out.  -- Omni

When subjected to extreme feminine heat and pressure, male hydrocarbons will
often produce a diamond.  -- Omni

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet
and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
        -- Omni

The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to
go faster when you're always going downhill.  -- Omni

Will your answer to this question be no?

It is the difference of opinion that makes horse races.  -- Mark Twain

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to
have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at
how much the old man had learned in seven years.  -- Mark Twain

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Love is like pi---natural, irrational, and VERY important.

No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but
most of the time, we aren't either.  -- Marvin Minsky

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog
generally dies as a result.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.  -- Gloria Steinum

I don't use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough.  -- M. C. Escher

Parting is such sweet sorrow that I should say goodnight until tomorrow.
        -- Shakespeare

Goodnight, sweet Prince, and flights of angels take thee to thy rest.
        -- William Shakespeare

It's like deja-vu, all over again.  -- Yogi Berra

People don't go there anymore.  It's too crowded.  -- Yogi Berra

You can observe a lot just by watchin'.  -- Yogi Berra

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
        -- Yogi Berra

If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them.
        -- Yogi Berra

Tom Seaver: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.  -- Yogi Berra

We have deep depth.  -- Yogi Berra

We made too many wrong mistakes.  -- Yogi Berra

Sign for a combined Veterinarian and Taxidermist business:
        "Either Way You Get Your Dog Back"

You see things; and you say, "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I
say, "Why not?"  -- George Bernhard Shaw

Mae West:    For a long time I was ashamed of the way I lived.
Interviewer: Did you reform?
Mae West:    No; I'm not ashamed anymore.

[Proofs that odd numbers are prime]
Mathematician:
        1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 
        therefore, by induction, all odd numbers are prime.
Physicist:
        1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 
        9 is a bad data point, 11 is prime, 13 is prime...
Engineer:
        1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 
        9 is approximately prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime...
Computer Scientist:
        1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, ...

An amateur thinks it's really funny if you dress a man up as an old lady, put
him in a wheelchair, and give the wheelchair a push that sends it spinning down
a slope towards a stone wall.  For a pro, it's got to be a real old lady.
        -- Groucho Marx

I'm one with the Universe---on a scale from 1 to 10.

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end---I shouldn't
be at all surprised.  -- Dorothy Parker

Professor Marlin's Rule:
If you have an open book test, you will forget your book.
If you have a take home test, you will forget where you live.

Those who will not reason, perish in the act.
Those who will not act, perish for that reason.
        -- W. H. Auden, _Shorts_

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its
efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who
don't know anything and can't read.  -- Mark Twain 

Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a
fine of one pound.  Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a
cat.  -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London 

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny..."
        -- Isaac Asimov 

I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it.
        -- Unknown English Professor

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has
printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.
        -- English Professor, Ohio University

For I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and big words Bother me.
        -- Winnie the Pooh

Last night I held a little hand,        No other hand, tho held so tight,
So dainty and so neat.                  Could greater gladness bring,
I thought my heart would surely burst;  Than the hand I held last night;
So wildly did it beat.                  Four aces and a king.

Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the
most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone.  -- Keynes

The worst crime against working people is a company which fails to operate at a
profit.  -- Samuel Gompers (1908)

It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer, or the baker, that
we expect our dinner, but from their regard to their own self-interest.  We
address ourselves, not to their humanity but to their self-love, and never talk
to them of our own neccessities but of their advantages.  -- Adam Smith

If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was
standing on the shoulder of giants.
        -- Isaac Newton
If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants
were standing on my shoulders.
        -- Hal Abelson
In computer science, we stand on each other's feet.
        -- Brian K. Reed

So far the theories of mathematics are about reality, they are not certain;
so far as they are certain, they are not about reality.  -- Albert Einstein

Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
        -- G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.

The primary purpose of the Data statement is to give names to constants;
instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the
variable Pi can be given that value with a Data statement and used instead of
the longer form of the constant.  This also simplifies modifying the program,
should the value of pi change.
        -- Fortran manual for Xerox Computers 

Christian:  One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book
admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.  One who follows the
teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
        -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Christ died for our sins.  Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
committing them?  -- Jules Feiffer

A Christian is a man who feels
  Repentant on a Sunday
For what he did on Saturday
  And will do again on Monday.

Cuisine is something like food but the portions are smaller and the prices are
higher.  If you happen to have French cuisine then the waiter will insult you
as you are served.

This is a baby sig that someday hopes to grow up to be a big, powerful and
funny sig.  --  d_kenned@oz.plymouth.edu

         HUMAN NATURE
     Once I shot a bird,
    When I was very young.
 I watched it fall, and die.
And I thought that it was fun.
        -- W.C. Mackie

I'm one with the Universe---on a scale from 1 to 10.

Mr Attlee is a very modest man.  Indeed he has a lot to be modest about.
        -- Winston Churchill

A toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast.

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are
laughed at are geniuses.  They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton,
they laughed at the Wright brothers.  But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
        -- Carl Sagan

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening...But this wasn't it.  -- Groucho Marx

"He who can, does.  He who cannot teaches.  -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the
black flag, and begin slitting throats.  -- H. L. Mencken

The probability that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the
support of a cause we believe to be just.  -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all
doubt.  -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

Scitum est inter caecos luscum regnare posse.
(It is well known, that among the blind the one-eyed man is king.)
        -- Gerard Didier Erasmus (c. 1465-1536)

Veni, vidi, vici.
(I came, I saw, I conquered.)
        -- Gaius Julius Caesar (c. 102-44 BC)

See the happy moron,
  He doesn't give a damn.
I wish I were a moron,
  My God! Perhaps I am!
        -- Dorothy Parker

Some men see things as they are and ask why.
Others dream things that never were and ask why not.
        -- George Bernard Shaw

If God didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent him.  -- Voltaire

Lasciate ogni speranza voi ch'entrate.
(Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.)
        -- Dante Alighieri (1265-1321)

Knowledge is power.  -- Thomas Hobbes

Whom the gods destroy, they first make mad.  -- Euripides

It is a great advantage for a system of philosophy to be substantially true.
        -- George Santayana

America is like a melting pot.  The people at the bottom get burned, and the
scum floats to the top.  -- Charlie King

Pope John Paul would be more popular if he called himself Pope John Paul George
and Ringo.  -- Paul Krassner

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of
intelligence.  -- Bertrand Russell

What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the
child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.  -- Sigmund Freud

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
        -- Dorothy Parker

There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result.
        -- Winston Churchill

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when
you kill them.  -- William Clayton

If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
shoulders of giants.  -- Isaac Newton

Ah, women.  They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent.
        -- Friedrich Nietzsche

A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any
hereditary propensity toward fanaticism.  -- Carl Sagan, "Contact"

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet
reminds you of someone else.  -- Ogden Nash

KRQR, home of the million dollar guarantee.  You give us a million dollars,
we'll play any song you want.  Guaranteed.

Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence.

In marriage, the bride gets a shower, but for the groom it's curtains!

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking---it's called marriage.

When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.

A man is incomplete till he is married; then he is finished.

A self-made man will be amazed at the number of alterations made when he
marries.

Ah, Mozart!  He was happily married, but his wife wasn't.  -- Borge

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Bachelors know more about women than married men.  If they didn't, they would
be married too.  -- H. L. Mencken

Do married people live longer, or does it just seem that way?

I never knew what true happiness was till I got married.
And then it was too late.

I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.  -- Groucho Marx

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and
through the nose of the gentleman.  -- Herbert Spencer

Marriage means commitment.  Of course, so does insanity.

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

Of course I'm happily married.  She's happy, and I'm married.

The theory used to be that you marry an older man because they are more mature.
The new theory is that men don't mature.  So you might as well marry a younger
one.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
        -- Wendell Johnson

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the
question of whether a submarine can swim.  -- Edsger W. Dijkstra

Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.

Seen on the door to a light-wave lab:
"Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."

The philosophy exam was a piece of cake---which was a bit of a surprise,
actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper.

A rolling stone gathers momentum.

I went to the doctor for a check-up.  It was ok, he was there.

I said, "Doctor, it hurts when I do that." (Moves arm)
He said, "Don't do it then."

I said, "I've broken my arm in several places."
He said, "Don't go to those places."
        -- [Possibly Henry Youngman?]

I went up into the attic with the wife the other day.  Dirty, filthy, covered
in cobwebs.  But she's good with the kids.  I found this violin and this
picture.  I took them along to the auctioneer, he says what you've got there is
a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt.  Unfortunately, Stradivarius was a rotten
painter, and Rembrandt couldn't make violins.  (Sticks violin through picture.)

That was Zen.  This is Tao.  -- Peter da Silva

The juvenile sea squirt wanders through the sea searching for a suitable rock
or hunk of coral to cling to and make its home for life.  For this task, it has
a rudimentary nervous system.  When it finds its spot and takes root, it
doesn't need its brain anymore so it eats it!  (It's rather like getting
tenure.)  -- Daniel Dennett, _Consciousness Explained_, p. 177

One of the most attractive features of a Connection Machine is the array of
blinking lights on the faces of its cabinet.
        -- CM Paris Ref. Manual, v6.0, p48.

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

Pizza is a lot like sex.  When it's good, it's really good.  When it's bad,
it's still pretty good.

Eschew obfuscation.

Where would we be without rhetorical questions?

Illiterate?  Write for help!

It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception,
is composed of others.  -- John Andrew Holmes

The saddest thing of word or pen,
To know the things that might have been.
        -- John Greenleaf Whittier, 1807-1892, U.S. poet

If of all words of tongue and pen,
The saddest are, `It might have been,'
More sad are these we daily see:
`It is, but hadn't ought to be.'
        -- Francis Brett Hart

In science, "fact" can only mean "confirmed to such a degree that it would be
perverse to withhold provisional assent."  I suppose that apples might start to
rise tomorrow, but the possibility does not merit equal time in physics
classrooms.  -- Stephen Jay Gould

Science has proof without any certainty.
Creationists have certainty without any proof.
        -- Ashley Montague

I must not fear.  Fear is the mind-killer.  Fear is the little death that
brings total obliteration.  I will face my fear.  I will permit it to pass over
me and through me.  And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see
its path.  Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.  Only I will remain.
        -- Frank Herbert, _Dune_

We three drunks from Omaha are
Spending Christmas eve in a car.
Driving, Drinking, glasses clinking;
Who needs a lousy bar?  -- Mad Magazine

Oh, don't mind the tree monsters.  Their bark is worse than their bite.
        -- The Winter Warlock, in _Santa Claus is Comin' to Town_

Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times Square
 10.  Hot Buttered Elves
  9.  Santa's Magic Lap
  8.  Babes in Boyland
  7.  Crisco Kringle
  6.  Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
  5.  Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
  4.  Not-So-Tiny Tim
  3.  Santa Goes Round-The-World
  2.  The Nutcracker Swede
  1.  I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
        -- David Letterman

"I see!", said the blind carpenter, as he picked up his hammer and saw.

It is not enough to succeed; others must fail.  -- Gore Vidal

It is well known, that among the blind the one-eyed man is king.
        -- Erasmus (c1465-1536)

Men should be like Kleenex; soft, strong and disposable.  -- Mrs. White, _Clue_

Love to eat them mousies,
Mousies what I love to eat,
Bite they little heads off,
Nibble on they tiny feet.
        -- B. Kliban

This is a one line proof...if we start sufficiently far to the left.
        -- Cambridge University Math Department

The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas
Instruments.  -- PBS

There are three rules for writing a novel.  Unfortunately, no one knows what
they are.  -- Somerset Maugham

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering
from some form of mental illness.  Think of your three best friends.  If
they're okay, then it's you.  -- Rita Mae Brown

A physicist is just an atom's way of looking at itself.  -- Niels Bohr

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.  -- Groucho Marx

Inside this fat body there's a skinny person screaming to get out.  I ate her.

"The prince wants your daughter for his wife."
"Well, tell him his wife can't have her."  -- Blackadder III

Politically-incorrect T-Shirt idea: What part of "AWW C'MON, PLEASE?" don't you
understand?  -- Roger Crew

The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.  Instead of
altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their
views...which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts
that needs altering.  -- Doctor Who, _Face of Evil_

The only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of
a civilized community, against his will, is to prevent harm to others.  His own
good, either physical or moral, is not a sufficient warrant.
        -- John Stuart Mill, _On Liberty_

Time is the best teacher.  Unfortunately, it kills all its pupils.
        -- Hector-Louis Berlioz

You can drop a mouse down a thousand-yard mine shaft and, on arriving at the
bottom, it gets a slight shock and walks away.  A rat would probably be killed,
though it can fall safely from the eleventh story of a building, a man is
broken, a horse splashes.  -- J. B. S. Haldane, _On Being the Right Size_

Once the most important inhabitants of a world at the center of the known
cosmos, now we human beings had been reduced to the status of the far-flung
denizens of a minor, tangential blip on somebody else's universe.
        -- John Boslough, _Masters of Time_

Icky icky icky icky fKANG zoop-boing n zowzyin...
        -- The Knights Who So Recently Said "Nee!"

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.  -- Yogi Berra

Making fun of born-again christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high
powered rifle and scope.
        -- P. J. O'Rourke

They all laughed at Albert Einstein. They all laughed at Columbus.
Unfortunately, they also all laughed at Bozo the Clown.
        -- William H. Jefferys

If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.
        -- Vince Lombardi

Ninety percent of the game is half mental.  -- Yogi Berra

You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for long.
        -- Boris Yeltsin

Two rights don't make a wrong, but three will get you back on the freeway.
        -- James Wesley Jackson

Football combines two of the worst things about American life.
It is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
        -- George Will

You simply MUST stop taking advice from other people.  -- Melissa Timberman

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening all at once.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Heisenberg may have been here.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.  -- Van Roy's Law

Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.

If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.                                                    
        -- Bert Whitney

We are too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet.

I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.  -- John Lennon

Dear Mr. President:  There are too many states.  Please eliminate three.  I am
not a crackpot.  -- Abraham "Grandpa" Simpson

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
        -- Dave Barry

"Is that how a warped brain like yours gets its kicks?  By planning the deaths
 of innocent people?"
"No...by CAUSING the deaths of innocent people."  -- Lex Luthor

Quantum particles: the dreams that stuff is made of.  -- David Moser

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I
am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.  -- Chang-tzu

"Do you know what Freud said about dreams of flying? It means you're really
 dreaming about having sex."
"Indeed?  Tell me, then, what does it mean when you dream about having sex?"
        -- Morpheus and Rose Walker

In view of all the deadly computer viruses that have been spreading lately,
Weekend Update would like to remind you: when you link up to another computer,
you're linking up to every computer that that computer has ever linked up to.
        -- Dennis Miller, SNL Weekend Update

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they
make it easier to do don't need to be done.  -- Andy Rooney

Television:  A medium.  So called because it is neither rare nor well done.
        -- Ernie Kovacs

A physicist visits a colleague and notices a horseshoe hanging on the wall
above the entrance. "Do you really believe that a horseshoe brings luck?" he
asks.  "No," replies the colleague, "but I've been told that it works even if
you don't believe in it."  -- Told by Niels Bohrs

Pluralitas non ponenda est sine necessitate.
(Multiplicity is not to be asserted when it is unnecessary.)
        -- William of Occam [Occam's Razor]

Do not regret growing old; many are denied the privilege.

Age is an issue of mind over matter.  If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
        -- Mark Twain

Chemistry is physics without thought; mathematics is physics without purpose.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count
the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.  -- Dave Barry

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and
then misapplying the wrong remedies.  -- Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.  -- Groucho Marx

It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid
enough to want the job.  -- Erma Bombeck

Never trust anybody who says "trust me."  Except just this once, of course.
        -- John Varley, "Steel Beach"

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with
laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.  -- Groucho Marx

The Great Roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a
lion, though not the same lion.  -- Woody Allen

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul
of the boy sitting next to me.  -- Woody Allen

Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a
yak.  -- Woody Allen

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some
pretty good questions.  -- Woody Allen

Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you
can only rage impotently against your persecutors.  -- Woody Allen

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.  -- Woody Allen

Don't knock masturbation---it's sex with someone I love.  -- Woody Allen

Why does man kill?  He kills for food.  And not only food: frequently there
must be a beverage.  -- Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's worse,
what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?  -- Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet.  -- Woody Allen

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad.  The good sleep
better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.  -- Woody Allen

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one
of the best.  -- Woody Allen

In brief, she assumed that, being a man, I was vain to the point of imbecility,
and this assumption was correct, as it always is.  -- H. L. Mencken

Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve
to get it good and hard.  -- H. L. Mencken

Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent
many for appointment by the corrupt few.  -- George Bernard Shaw

I went to a store and asked if they had anything to put under coasters.
        -- Steven Wright

In bed the other night my girlfriend asked "if you could know exactly when and
where you would die, would you want to?"  I said "no".  She said, "ok, then
forget it".  -- Steven Wright

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Always remember you're unique...Just like everyone else.

It is better to be roughly right than to be precisely wrong.
        -- John Maynard Keynes

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?
        -- Albert Einstein

Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: You find the present tense 
and the past perfect.

What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
        -- John Lubbock

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
        -- Steve Landesberg

To my daughter Leonora without whose never failing sympathy and encouragement
this book would have been completed in half the time.  -- P.G. Wodehouse
        -- [Quoted in Pepper's _The Wit and Wisdom of the 20th Century_,
            p.199, #14]

We now present the conclusion of...The Never-ending Story.
        -- From a cable TV broadcast of the movie

nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands
        -- e e cummings, _Somewhere I have Never Travelled_

Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.
        -- Shakespeare, _Macbeth_

KRQR, home of the million dollar guarantee. You give us a million dollars,
we'll play any song you want.  Guaranteed.

Playing a billion in a row on KRQR, the station that doesn't count too good.

Are tectonic plates dishwasher-safe?  -- Herb Caen, S. F. Chronicle, 8/12/93

Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.
        -- G. K. Chesterton

On the business front, UNIX has been under attack from a variety of sources,
primarily by the nonexistant Windows NT.  Luckily, the UNIX vendors have their
own nonexistant products with which to answer the threat.
        -- Stephen C. Johnson, President (Usenix)

Lisp in action is like a finely choreographed ballet.
Basic in action is like a waltz of drugged elephants.
C in action is like a sword dance on a freshly waxed floor.

I like having a machine called 'elvis' on the network because that way, I can
say 'ping elvis' and have it come back with 'elvis is alive'.  -- Carl Shipley

USENET: Post to exotic, distant machines.  Meet exciting, unusual people.
And flame them.  -- Dan Sorenson

But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in
which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced
with new weaknesses.
        -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"

One item could not be deleted because it was missing.
        -- Mac System 7.0b1 error message

The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to devise and
apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.  -- Lew Mammel, Jr.

Unix is not a "A-ha" experience, it is more of a "holy-shit" experience.
        -- Colin McFadyen in alt.folklore.computers

A distributed system is one that stops you from getting any work done when a
machine you've never even heard of crashes.  -- Leslie Lamport (Attributed)

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
        -- Donald Knuth

Any computer project will take twice as long as you think it will even when you
take into account Hofstadter's law.  -- Hofstadter's law (Douglas Hofstadter)

There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so
simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make
it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.  -- C. A. R. Hoare

When I die, I hope to go to Heaven, whatever the Hell that is.  -- A. Rand

People who take issue with control of population do not understand that if it
is not done in a graceful way, nature will do it in a brutal fashion.
        -- H. Kendall

At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge
roughly comparable to herding cats.
        -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985

If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would
have changed the history of music...and of aviation.  -- Tom Stoppard

If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem.  If you owe the bank $100
million, that's the bank's problem.  -- John Paul Getty

The hypochondriac's epitaph:  "NOW will you believe me?"

Evelyn Waugh, when Randolph Churchill had a benign tumour removed from his
lung:  "It seems to me to be a typical triumph of modern science to find the
only part of Randolph that was not malignant, and remove it."

Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka:  Words cannot express the deep
personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was
killed, wounded, or reported missing in action.  -- Joseph Heller, _Catch-22_

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the
extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children
smart.  -- H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)

[The shooting in Yosemite] would never have happened if we had exercised our
right to arm bears.

I've got Parkinson's disease.  And he's got mine.

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest, with an axe.

What's the difference between an egg?

But be not afraid of greatness: some men are born great, some achieve
greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.
        -- Shakespeare, _Twelfth Night_ [II.v]

University President:  "Why is it that you physicists always require so much
expensive equipment?  Now the Department of Mathematics requires nothing but
money for paper, pencils, and erasers...and the Department of Philosophy is
better still.  It doesn't even ask for erasers."  -- [Told by Isaac Asimov]

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at
it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.  -- Poul Anderson 

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they
make it easier to do don't need to be done.  -- Andy Rooney

It would appear that we have reached the limits of what it is possible to
achieve with computer technology, although one should be careful with such
statements, as they tend to sound pretty silly in 5 years.
        -- John Von Neumann (ca. 1949)

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a
Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode
once a year, killing everyone inside.  -- Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld

It's a well known fact that computing devices such as the abacus were invented
thousands of years ago. But it's not well known that the first use of a common
computer protocol occured in the Old Testament.  This, of course, was when
Moses aborted the Egyptians' process with a control-sea...  -- Tom Galloway

Artificial Intelligence: the art of making computers that behave like the ones
in movies.  -- Bill Bulko

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.
        -- E. W. Dijkstra

After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not for you
to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent
champagne and women over to your place by taxi.  -- P. J. O'Rourke

As I was going up the stair
I met a man who wasn't there.
He wasn't there again today.
I wish, I wish he'd stay away.
        -- Hughes Mearns, _The Psychoed_

The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings
wisdom.  -- H. L. Mencken 

Company slogan:  The Mandatory Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves.

There was a young lady of Crewe
whose limericks stopped at line two.

You know how dumb the average guy is?  Well, by definition, half of them are
even dumber than THAT.  -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs 

If I were meta-agnostic, I'd be confused over whether I'm agnostic or not---but
I'm not quite sure if I feel that way; hence I must be meta-meta-agnostic (I
guess).  -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, _Godel, Escher, Bach_

[Blackadder, _Duel and Duality_]
Edmund Blackadder:      "After all, did not Our Lord send a lowly earthworm to
                         comfort Moses in his torment?"
Prince George:          "No."

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings.
        -- John Gillespie Magee 

[_Jurassic Park_]
Ian Malcolm:    "God creates dinosaurs.  God destroys dinosaurs.
                 God creates man.  Man destroys God.  Man creates dinosaurs."
Ellie Sattler:  "Dinosaurs...eat man.  Woman inherits the Earth."

"But John, when the Pirates of the Carribbean breaks down, the pirates don't
 eat the tourists."  -- Ian Malcolm, _Jurassic Park_

Death:  To stop sinning suddenly.  -- Ellen Hubbard

"Ella, Ella, Ella...Never knock on Death's door.  Ring the bell and run away!
 Death *really* hates that."  -- Doctor, Doctor

"Is that how a warped brain like yours gets its kicks?  By planning the deaths
 of innocent people?"
Lex Luthor: "No...by CAUSING the deaths of innocent people."

Ros:  Do you think death could possibly be a boat?
Guil: No, no, no...Death is...not.  Death isn't.  You take my meaning.  Death
      is the ultimate negative.  Not-being.  You can't not-be on a boat.
Ros:  I've frequently not been on boats.
Guil: No, no, no---what you've been is not on boats.
        -- Tom Stoppard

     The only problem 
with Haiku is that you just
   get started and then

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.
In practice, however, there is.

The light at the end of the tunnel is usually a "No Exit" sign.

Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Recursion.
Recursion who?
Knock Knock...

If the car industry behaved like the computer industry over the last 30 years,
a Rolls-Royce would cost $5, get 300 miles per gallon, and blow up once a year
killing all passengers inside.

In capitalism, man exploits man.  In Communism, it's exactly the opposite.

A little incompatibility is the spice of life, as long has he has income and
she is pattable.  -- Ogden Nash

[On the difference between political life and academic life:]
In Washington, it's dog eat dog.  In academia, it's exactly the opposite.
        -- Robert Reich, Secretary of Labor and Harvard lecturer, on NPR

They say that after a brush with death the world looks different and that was
true for me, but by the time I caught my breath, I realized that it was because
I had lost my glasses.  -- Michael Dorris, _The Broken Cord_

Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow,
That I shall say good night till it be morrow.
        -- William Shakespeare, _Romeo and Juliet_, II, ii, 184

For the fire of love, there is no insurance.

I am Gates of Microsoft. You will be assimilated. Intelligence is useless... 
--Richard Hughes

Revenge is a dish best served cold. --Klingon saying

Riddle: The person who makes it doesn't need it, the person who buys it
doesn't use it, the person who uses it doesn't know it. What is it?
-a casket- --tweadon

LeRoy is an 18 year old 9th grader.  This is LeRoy's homework assignment.
He must use each vocabulary work in a sentence.
    
1) Foreclose - If I pay alimony this month, I'll have no money forclose.
    
2) Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, buy my ol'lady rectum both.
    
3) Hotel - I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the hotel everybody.
    
4) Disappointment - My parole officer tol me if I miss disappointment they
                    gonna send me back to da big house.
    
5) Penis - I went to da doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis.
    
6) Israel - Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said, man that looks fake.
            He said bullshit, that watch Israel.
    
7) Catacomb - Don King was at the fight the other night, man somebody
              oughta give dat catacomb.
    
8) Undermine - There is a fine lookin hoe livin' in the appartment
               undermine.
    
9) Acoustic - When I was lil' my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to da
              pool hall.
    
10) Iraq - When we got to da pool hall, I tol my uncle iraq, you break.
    
11) Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her do you plan on stain
            for dinner?
    
12) Seldom - My cousin gave me two tickets to the Nicks game, so I seldom.
    
13) Honor - At the rape trial, the Judge axed my buddy, who be honor first?
    
14) Odyssey - I tol my brother, you odyssey the tits on that hoe.
    
15) Horde - My sister go in trouble because she horde around in school.
    
16) Tripoli - I was gonna buy my ol'lady a bra for her birthday, but I
              couldn't find a tripoli.
    
17) Fortify - I axed the hoe how much?  She said fortify, honey.
    
18) Income - I just got in bed wit dis hoe and income my wife.

C> (A)bort (R)etry (I)nfluence with large hammer

	The Fundamental Truths of Networking:
   
   (1)  It Has To Work.
   
   (2)  No matter how hard you push and no matter what the priority,
        you can't increase the speed of light.
   
        (2a) (corollary). No matter how hard you try, you can't make a
             baby in much less than 9 months. Trying to speed this up
             *might* make it slower, but it won't make it happen any
             quicker.
   
   (3)  With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. However, this is
        not necessarily a good idea. It is hard to be sure where they
        are going to land, and it could be dangerous sitting under them
        as they fly overhead.
   
   (4)  Some things in life can never be fully appreciated nor
        understood unless experienced firsthand. Some things in
        networking can never be fully understood by someone who neither
        builds commercial networking equipment nor runs an operational
        network.
   
   (5)  It is always possible to aglutenate multiple separate problems
        into a single complex interdependent solution. In most cases
        this is a bad idea.
   
   (6)  It is easier to move a problem around (for example, by moving
        the problem to a different part of the overall network
        architecture) than it is to solve it.
   
        (6a) (corollary). It is always possible to add another level of
             indirection.
   
   (7)  It is always something
   
        (7a) (corollary). Good, Fast, Cheap: Pick any two (you can't
            have all three).
   
   (8)  It is more complicated than you think.
   
   (9)  For all resources, whatever it is, you need more.
   
       (9a) (corollary) Every networking problem always takes longer to
            solve than it seems like it should.
   
   (10) One size never fits all.
   
   (11) Every old idea will be proposed again with a different name and
        a different presentation, regardless of whether it works.
   
        (11a) (corollary). See rule 6a.
   
   (12) In protocol design, perfection has been reached not when there
        is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take
        away.
   -- from RFC-1925

The only time success comes before work, is in the dictionary.

You might be a Michigander if !
   
* If you define Summer as three months of bad sledding...
* If your definition of a small town is one that doesn't have a lake...
* If your family breaks into violence during the UM-MSU game (any sport!)...
* If snow tires come standard on all your cars...
* If at least 50% of your relatives work for the auto industry...
* If you have ever gotten frostbitten and sunburned in the same week...
* If you can identify an Ohio accent...
* If owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your home town...
* If you learned to pilot a boat before the training wheels were off your bike...
* If you think Alkaline batteries were named after a Tiger outfielder...
* If you point at the palm of your right hand when telling people where you 
  grew up...
* If you don't understand what the big deal about Chicago is...
* If someone asks you if you've been to Europe and you answer, 
  "No, but I've been to Ann Arbor..."
* If "Down South" to you means Toledo...
* If you have any idea who Bob Ufer was...
* If octopus and hockey go together as naturally as hot dogs and baseball...
* If traveling coast to coast means going from Port Huron to Muskegon...
* If you refer to your relatives in southern Michigan as "trolls" or "lopers"...
* If the "Big Three" can mean either Ford, Chrysler and GM or
  Domino's, Little Caesar's and Hungry Howie's...
* If a Big Mac is something you can drive across...
* If you have no problem spelling Mackinac Island...
* If you got a passport to go to Ohio...
* If you have as many Canadian coins in your pockets as American ones...
* If your kid's baseball or softball games have been ever been snowed out..
* If the trees in your backyard have spigots...
* If you know that a place called "Kalamazoo" really exists...
* If you bake with "soda" and drink "pop"...
* If you know what a pastie is...
* If you drive 70 mph on the highway and pass on the right...
* If your favorite hockey team's mascot is an octopus...
* If you have a favorite hockey team...
* If you don't have a coughing fit from one sip of Vernor's...
* If you know how to play Euchre...
* If You classify your friends & relatives as "yoopers," "trolls," 
  "Canadians," or "not from 'round here," (also classified as "Green Bay Fans," 
  "Detroit Fans," "Toronto Fans," and "not from 'round here")...
* If You know at least 2 yooper jokes (like the one about the 2 brothers 
  from Ipsheming who run red lights)...
* If Fudge and Bicycles remind you of your honeymoon...
* If You can name all 5 of the Great Lakes, and point to their
  locations around your left and right hands...
* If You don't cross picket lines...
* If You used to think Deer Season was included as an official school holiday...
* If You know that Pontiac and Cadillac are cities...
* If You've been to Hell and to Paradise & back again...
* If You had Tornado Drills in elementary school...
* If You know all the words to Gordon Lightfoot's classic ballad,
  "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"...
* If You can actually pronounce Ypsilanti...
* If you're idea of reaching Climax is driving just pass Kalamazoo...
* If the snow on your roof in August weighs more than you do...
* If nothing weighs more than you do...
* If you consider a rusty pickup a "turn-on"...
* If you've ever gone "trolling for taillights"...
* If you laugh hysterically at the "suckers" during movies of the
  week about hurricanes...
* If you can travel through Detroit and not get mugged...
* If your idea of creative landscaping is putting an extra pair of
  pink flamingos next to your blue spruce...
* If you think there should be a "Fudgies go home" bumper sticker on
  every car north of Clare...
* If a Friday night out is taking your girlfriend shining for deer...
* You eat muskrat on Fridays during Lent because it's "seafood"...
* If you go "Up North" for every possible holiday...
* If you go to work in a snowsuit in the morning and return home wearing shorts...
* If you eat potato burgers in Elmira...
* If you sing along with the YES MICHIGAN commercials...
* When you tell someone where you are from and they say: 'I thought
  that was part of Canada'...
* If your idea of the seasons is Winter, Spring and the 4th of July...
* If formal wear is a flannel shirt, blue jeans and a baseball cap...
* If your children describe their summer vacation out of state as a
  "trip to Cedar Point..."
* If you have to go to Florida to get a tan in August...
* If you define "swimming season" as Labor Day weekend...
* If your 4th of July Family Picnic was moved indoors due to frost...
* If you went to school with more than one NBA basketball player...
* If you know where the city of Ocqueoc is AND can pronounce it...
* If you have more fishing poles than teeth...
* If you decided to have a picnic this summer because it fell on a
  weekend...
   
Well...are YOU a REAL Michigander?

"Programming Today Is A Race Between Software Engineers
Striving To Build Bigger And Better Idiot-Proof Programs, And The
Universe Trying To Produce Bigger And Better Idiots. So Far, 
The Universe Is Winning." - Rich Cook


Imagine if you will ... the leader of the Fifth Invader Force speaking
to the commander in chief ... reporting what was found upon visiting
the planet Earth.
   
   
    "They're made out of meat."
   
    "Meat?"
   
    "Meat. They're made out of meat."
   
    "Meat?"
   
    "There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different
    parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them
    all the way through.  They're completely meat."
   
    "That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the
    stars."
   
    "They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come
    from them. The signals come from machines."
   
    "So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
   
    "They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made
    the machines."
   
    "That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to
    believe in sentient meat."
   
    "I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the
    only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."
   
    "Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence
    that goes through a meat stage."
   
    "Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several
    of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea
    the life span of meat?"
   
    "Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the
    Weddilei.  A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."
   
    "Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the
    Weddilei.  But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way
    through."
   
    "No brain?"
   
    "Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out
    of meat!"
   
    "So... what does the thinking?"
   
    "You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The
    meat."
   
    "Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"
   
    "Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The
    meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"
   
    "Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."
   
    "Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying
    to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."
   
    "So what does the meat have in mind?"
   
    "First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore
    the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and
    information. The usual."
   
    "We're supposed to talk to meat?"
   
    "That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by
    radio. 'Hello.  Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."
   
    "They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
   
    "Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."
   
    "I thought you just told me they used radio."
   
    "They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You
    know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk
    by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting
    air through their meat."
   
    "Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do
    you advise?"
   
    "Officially or unofficially?"
   
    "Both."
   
    "Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and
    all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice,
    fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and
    forget the whole thing."
   
    "I was hoping you would say that."
   
    "It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make
    contact with meat?"
   
    "I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's
    it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with
    here?"
   
    "Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat
    containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they
    only travel through C space.  Which limits them to the speed of light
    and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim.
    Infinitesimal, in fact."
   
    "So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."
   
    "That's it."
   
    "Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones
    who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure
    they won't remember?"
   
    "They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads
    and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."
   
    "A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's
    dream."
   
    "And we can mark this sector unoccupied."
   
    "Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others?
    Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"
   
    "Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence
    in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotation
    ago, wants to be friendly again."
   
    "They always come around."
   
    "And why not?  Imagine how unbearably, how utterly, cold this galaxy
    would be if one were all alone with no-one to talk to but
    meat."

We are too busy mopping the floor to turn off the faucet.

Seen on the door to a light-wave lab:
"Do not look into laser with remaining good eye."

This is a one line proof...if we start sufficiently far to the left.
        -- Cambridge University Math Department

Two rights don't make a wrong, but three will get you back on the freeway.
        -- James Wesley Jackson

I like having a machine called 'elvis' on the network because that way, I can
say 'ping elvis' and have it come back with 'elvis is alive'.  -- Carl Shipley

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.
        -- Donald Knuth

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a
Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode
once a year, killing everyone inside.  -- Robert X. Cringely, InfoWorld

You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.

It is possible for your mind to be so open that your brain falls out.

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling
down the highway.  -- Andrew Tannenbaum

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is
in it---and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot
stove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again---and that is
well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
        -- Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens, American Writer, 1835-1910)

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are
1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on
the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
        -- From an article on the growth of federal regulations
           in the Oct. 24th issue of National Review

There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to
use as his telephone.  That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to
use my telephone.  -- Stroustrup

The most important thing in the programming language is the name.  A language
will not succeed without a good name.  I have recently invented a very good
name and now I am looking for a suitable language.  -- D. E. Knuth, 1967

Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots
   say to his students?
A: Watch closely.  I'm only going to do this once.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage
to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to
kill because they pissed me off.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the
correct screw.

This is Linux Country. On a quiet night, you can hear Windows reboot.

Theorem: Every horse has an infinite number of legs
    
Horses have an even number of legs.  Behind they have two legs,
and in front they have fore legs.  This makes six legs, which is
certainly an odd number of legs for a horse.  The only number
that is both odd and even is infinity.  Therefore, horses have an
infinite number of legs.
[ From "On the Nature of Mathematical Proofs", Joel Cohen ]

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the
process of putting them in.

Real programmers don't document.  If it was hard to write, it should be hard to
understand.

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstates in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the
doors?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

If buttered toast always lands buttered side down and a cat always lands on its
feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a
cat and dropped it?

If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what
happens?

You know how most packages say "Open here".  What should you do if the package
says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways when we park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called shipment but
when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes---why
can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn the
radio down?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

If fire fighters fight fire and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom
fighters fight?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and
drive?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on
different limbs at different levels.  Some monkeys are
climbing up, and some down.  The monkeys on top look down
and see a tree full of smiling faces.  The monkeys on 
the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
    
Contributed By: MSgt Mitch Spies, USMC(Ret)

C programmers never die, they are just cast into void.

Oh Lord, it's hard to be humble when I can kick all the guys' butts 
in my Tae Kwon Do class. - margabri@bellsouth.net

Why do fools fall in love?? To reproduce and outnumber us.

Winter in the Appalachian Mountains usually consisted of about 4 feet 
of snow, 0 degree temperatures and someone inevitably asking the 
question: "Is it cold enough for you?". To which I would reply,
"Come here and stick your tongue on this snow shovel, then ask me that again."

A journey of a thousand miles begins with an ATM machine.

The Middle Ages were a great time to be alive, because if you weren't 
wiped out by the Plague or impaled by some marauding barbarian, 
then yippee!

When people tell me about their problems, I try to help them not focus 
so much on all the negative stuff, and focus more on what's going on with me.

It's a myth that bats do not have eyes. Bats do have eyes. It's just 
that they don't use them for navigational purposes. Instead, they send 
and receive high frequency waves to detect obstacles and to guide 
them along. That's why I like to shoot them.

If someone ever asks you for a ride to the airport, explain how Greenland 
looks bigger than Australia on a two-dimensional map even though Australia 
is really four times the size of Greenland, and while they're looking for 
a map you can take off.

The next time you are talking to someone, look real close and you can 
see a small image of yourself in his pupil, only the small version of 
you has a big, big, knife.

Some of my colleagues think that the chemicals we are experimenting with 
could potentially cause brain damage, however I think that fish crunchy 
bits of salami my new red hippie noodle. Naked pool frogs? 

A good way to deal with a crisis is to relax, take a deep breath, 
and act like some kind of deranged chicken. 

This was only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, I would have run 
down the street to loot the stereo store.

If you are searching desperately for the meaning of life, try the floor 
of my car, because there's a lot of crap down there.

When I'm feeling a little blue, that's when I usually find a penny on the 
ground. And do you know what it says on a penny? "Liberty." That 
reminds me of the Statue of Liberty, which is in New York City, and
I think, man, am I glad I don't live in New York City. Then I feel better.

Some people just want to put a Band-Aid on the situation. 
I say, hell, let it bleed, baby, let it bleed.

"Those who are skilled in combat do not become angered, 
those who are skilled at winning do not become afraid. 
Thus the wise win before the fight, while the ignorant fight to win."
 -- Akido proverb

"If you knew the time it took me to gain my mastery, it wouldn't 
seem so wonderful." -- Michelangelo

"What do you wish from me?" the master asked. 
"I wish to be your student and become the finest kareteka in the land," 
the boy replied. "How long must I study?" 
"Ten years at least," the master answered. 
"Ten years is a long time," said the boy. "What if I studied twice as 
hard as all your other students?" 
"Twenty years," replied the master. 
"Twenty years! What if I practice day and night with all my effort?" 
"Thirty years," was the master's reply. 
"How is it that each time I say I will work harder, you tell me that 
it will take longer?" the boy asked. 
"The answer is clear. When one eye is fixed upon your destination, 
there is only one eye left with which to find the Way." -- Akido proverb

Though there are many paths 
At the foot of the mountain 
All those who reach the top 
See the same moon. -- Akido proverb

Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway. -- Akido proverb

"I like tall men. I like to turn them into small men." -- Akido proverb

		To me, Judo is like a ballet,
		except there's no music,
		no choreography,
		and the dancers knock each other down."
			....Jack Handey

"... and next time I'll kick my foot up your butt so hard, 
the water on my knee will quench your thirst" -- From the movie "Major Payne"

"My mind is a blank unsaved document." -- Joe Brandt

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high, and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets,
Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command,
And waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.
   
Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some
more.  "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphorous answer, only this and nothing more,
Just "Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
    
Was this some occult illusion?  Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices, as the disk made impish noises,
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more,
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
    
With my fingers pale and trembling slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly I pressed a key,
But on the screen there still persisted, words appearing as before,
Ghastly, grim, they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
    
Saying "Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off-guard.  I pressed again, but twice as
hard I pleaded with the cursed machine.  I begged and cried and then I
swore.  Now in desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading "Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
    
There I sat distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted,
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight; a lightning bolt cut through the
night, a gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core,
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even "Choose, Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
    
To this day I do not know the place to which lost data goes,
What demonic nether world is wrought where data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether into black holes,
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
To "Choose, Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

You might be an engineer if...
- At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to
  find the burned out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
- Choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or to spend the money to
  upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.
- Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck gazing at the
  scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.
- In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure. 
- The Salespeople at the local computer store can't answer any of your
  questions.
- You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.
- You bought your wife a new CD ROM drive for her birthday.
- You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.
- You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own
  handwriting.  
- You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
- You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs
  to see how they do the special effects.  
- You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances. 
- You have more friends on the internet than in real life.
- You know what http:// stands for.
- You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys.
- You see a good design and still have to change it.
- You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.
- You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.
- You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't
  get enough sleep.
- You window shop at Radio Shack.
- You're both in the backseat of your car, she's looking wistfully at
  the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.
- Your laptop computer costs more than your car.
- Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.
- You've already calculated how much you make per second.
- You've have tried to repair a $5 radio.

What is the difference between a golfer and a Judoka? 
With a golfer you hear "Whack" then "Damn" with a judoka you hear 
"damn" and then "Whack". -- Judo-L mailing list

 Memorandum
 Date: January 3, 2000 
 Subject: Vacation Pay 

 Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the 
 past 100 year(s).  As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 
 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional 
 week is granted for every 5 years of service. 
    
 Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your 
 next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include 
 all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months. 
    
 -- Sincerely, Automated Payroll Processing

Metric conversions ( for Americans )
    
1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
2000 mockingbirds     = 2 kilomockingbirds
10 cards              = 1 decacards
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 trillion pins       = 1 terrapin
10 rations            = 1 decoration
100 rations           = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes         = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents        = 1 decadent
2 monograms           = 1 diagram
8 nickels             = 2 paradigms
2 wharves             = 1 paradox

The C Days of Y2K
    
On the first day of Y2K, my server said to me: 
      It's January, 1970. 
    
On the second day of Y2K, my server said to me: 
      /var is full, and it's January, 1970. 
    
On the third day of Y2K, my server said to me: 
      stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. 
    
On the fourth day of Y2K, my server said to me: 
      hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. 
    
On the fifth day of Y2K, my server said to me: 
      no route to host... 
      hme is down, stale file handle, 
      /var is full, and it's January, 1970. 
    
On the sixth day of Y2K, my server said to me: 
      bad magic number, 
      no route to host... 
      hme is down, stale file handle, 
      /var is full, and it's January, 1970. 
    
On the seventh day of Y2K, my server said to me: 
      can't open socket, bad magic number, 
      no route to host... 
      hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. 
    
On the eighth day of Y2K, my server said to me: 
      panic! double panic!, can't open socket, bad magic number, 
      no route to host... 
      hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. 
    
On the ninth day of Y2K, my server said to me: 
      can't fork process, panic! double panic!, can't open socket, 
      bad magic number, 
      no route to host... 
      hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. 
    
On the A day of Y2K, my server said to me: 
      out of ttys, can't fork process, panic! double panic!, 
      can't open socket, bad magic number, 
      no route to host...
      hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. 
    
On the B day of Y2K, my server said to me: 
      enter system password, out of ttys, can't fork process, 
      panic! double panic!, can't open socket, bad magic number, 
      no route to host... 
      hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. 
    
On the C day of Y2K, my server said to me: 
      ok> 
      enter system password, out of ttys, can't fork process, 
      panic! double panic!, can't open socket, bad magic number, 
      no route to host... 
      hme is down, stale file handle, /var is full, and it's January, 1970. 
    
   -- as performed at LISA 1999 / Seattle, Washington

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

I STARTED out with nothing .... I still have most of it.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

If all is not lost, where is it?

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few!

It's hard to make a come-back when you haven't been anywhere.
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else
decide to play chess?

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.